Before the Dawn

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 1

I wasn’t always like this, you know. Wasn’t always such a mess. Back in high school — you might have a hard time believing me — but back then I was this big overachiever. Straight As, college scholarships, you name it. But you’re not here to talk about the glory days, are you?

You asked for the details, the gritty, hideous truth, the shame-filled reality of my past that’s too difficult to speak of. Which explains why I’m writing it all out. You said you wanted to understand better. Figure out why I’ve made the choices I have, as much as it hurts us both. So here I am, baring my entire soul to you.

I’m ready.

I just wonder if you are.

When I asked you what I was supposed to write, you answered with a very cryptic, “Whatever you think’s important,” and I’ve spent the past week trying to figure out what that means. You already know a lot of it. How long ago did we first meet? Time feels a little weird to me lately. I’m never really sure what day I’m in. There’s old Halloween candy on discount in the stores, but I’d have to consult a calendar to tell you if we’ve had Christmas yet or not.

But that’s all irrelevant. It has nothing to do with me or you or the daughter I’ve lost. You asked about the past. About the things that led up to where I am today. I guess you’re trying to figure out how someone like me ended up where I am.

Where did it all go wrong?

I could tell you about the first crash. I mean, when it comes down to it, that’s when it technically began. But that’s like starting Les Misérables in the chapter where Fantine’s already walking the streets and dying from tuberculosis. If you don’t know how far she fell, you don’t care how low she ended up, right?

Anyway, you didn’t ask me about Victor Hugo. You asked about my history. So here it goes.

I’m going to start with school, because you know what? It’s the last time I can remember being truly happy.

Who would have thought it’d be hard to write about those days? Seriously, though, who wants to admit they peaked at the age of seventeen, and everything went downhill from there? Still, sometimes it’s comforting to remember what you once had. Even if the memories themselves are torture.

Which they are.

Chris and I, we met all the way back in junior high when his family moved to central Washington. I guess technically we may have even known each other in kindergarten, because his family used to live here then. But I don’t remember him, and he doesn’t remember me, so even if we might have been around each other when we were just starting out school, I have no memory of meeting him until seventh grade. That’s when his parents moved back to Orchard Grove.

It’s a long, complicated story — his family’s, I mean. His mom was a migrant worker, fell in love or had some sort of fling with the son of an apple orchardist — Montague and Capulet stuff, seriously, except without the poison or the well-meaning albeit horrifically meddling friar. Which maybe explains why both of Chris’s parents are alive today.

Anyway, Chris was born in Orchard Grove, moved away for a while, then came back halfway into our seventh-grade year. I was on the pom squad then. Think cheerleader but it’s more like dance, not standing there yelling and doing a few toe-touches. I was co-captain at that point — the first Chinese co-captain in the history of Orchard Grove, as my mom would always boast. (Apparently she’s forgotten that the only other Chinese-American student who ever walked the halls of Orchard Grove was my older brother who graduated ten years before I did, so it’s honestly not that huge of an accomplishment.) Well, part of my job was to show the new kids around. I don’t know. I guess the guidance counselor thought it’d be a nice way to boost school spirit, which is really what the pom squad was all about. That and the dancing, of course.

So when Chris moved back to town in the middle of the year, it was my responsibility to make sure he could find all his classes, sit with him the first few days at lunch if he was by himself, help him out with his locker if he couldn’t get his combination working right. That sort of thing, and that’s how our relationship started. Call it cheesy if you want. If this were all written out in a book, I wouldn’t read another page. It’d be like those trashy teen love series that do nothing but prepare little girls to grow up and devour bodice-ripping romances. But I’m not writing a piece of literature here. I’m writing my story, so you don’t get to tell me if it’s an overused motif or not.

Chris and I dated officially for five straight years. Six if you count seventh grade, where technically neither one of us was allowed to date, but we were already mushy-gushy at that point, even if the kissing and stuff didn’t come until later.

But that’s just the thing. With Chris and me, it wasn’t the physical. Not all of it. We were both active in youth group at the time. Chris, he was Mr. Sunday School through and through. Knew better than to go messing around too much. A lot of people wouldn’t believe us because it’s not like we made it this big announcement or anything, but we both graduated high school virgins. I’m only telling you this because some folks see a couple where things go bad, and they immediately ask, Well, what did you do wrong? and the whole s*x before marriage thing comes up a lot, especially if you grow up in a church as strict as Orchard Grove Bible.

I’m not saying we were perfect. I just want you to know we had something more than hormones between us. Young love gets such a bad rap these days, you know that? Sometimes I think, yeah, that’s probably for good reason. Then every once in a while I wonder if that’s because all the old people are jealous.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. A lot happened those first two years after we graduated. A lot. It’s too much to write about in one sitting. This is going to drain my energy, I know it. Way more so than I initially expected. Just this little rambling introduction, it’s taken me two days, and I swear I could lay down for a five-hour nap right about now.

I’m sure as I keep on writing, I’ll be tempted to skip over some of the more difficult parts. Jump to the good stuff. Because hard as my life’s been lately, it’s been sprinkled with blessings as well. So please don’t start feeling sorry for me. I couldn’t stand your pity on top of everything else that’s passed between us.

Just like good old Robert Frost had to pause where those two roads diverged into that yellow wood, and he couldn’t transport himself to the end of his journey without explaining to us why he stopped there to wrestle with his destiny, I’ve got to tell you everything. Got to be thorough. So help me God because he alone knows how hard this is going to be.

He alone knows all the secrets I’ve been carrying around like that sack on Christian’s back in Pilgrim’s Progress. Except unlike John Bunyan’s hero, I’m still waiting for my Evangelist, my messenger to tell me where to get rid of these burdens. Who knows, maybe that’s why God brought me here to talk to you.

One could always hope, right?

So don’t worry, I’ll tell you everything. Well, at least the parts I’m able to get out. I don’t make promises beyond that. I’m like Tolstoy. He said he could sum up everything he’d learned about life in just three words. I may not be as experienced as some, but I’ve walked through more despair and heartache than my burdened soul knows what to do with. Like Tolstoy, I can also summarize everything I’ve learned about life as concisely as he did:

It goes on.

Life goes on. In spite of the secrets we’re destined to carry to the grave, heavy and cumbersome though our load may be.

In spite of the squalid human condition, the wretchedness that pierces your soul until you imagine you’re staring at some phantom or demon in the mirror and not yourself at all.

In spite of the excruciating sadness, the grief that can consume you for weeks, months at a time, until you don’t just lose track of the days but of the seasons and years, too.

In spite of it all, life goes on.

And all you have to hold onto is the hope that maybe, by God’s grace or some miraculous intervention on your behalf, you’ll find release from your burdens.

You’ll find peace for your soul.

I pray that I will. I hope that I will. Because sometimes, truth be told, it’s tempting to think about giving up. Just like Frost said, the woods are lovely in their darkness and depth. It’s tempting to think of staying here forever, but I have promises to keep.

Promises to myself. Promises to my daughter.

I can’t fail. Not again.

But I’m so tired. So bone-weary, soul-draining tired.

With miles to go before I sleep.

And miles to go before I sleep.