The Rockstar's Redemption

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I walk quietly toward the hospital exit, Jason chattering about something I have no idea about. My mind is elsewhere, on Reid. Ever since the attempted almost-kiss, because it didn't even amount to an almost-kiss, Reid is more self-absorbed, leaving me on the outside. And it's not like he let me in before, but now he seems even more distant.

I've meditated with myself to come to the inevitable conclusion: I like Reid Colleman. The last few months I've grown accustomed to his quiet presence. I like waking up and having his arms holding me, I like having his scent on my bed, I like listening to the sound of the shower while he bathes and I prepare breakfast, I like feeling his presence at every meal, I like having him next to me while I watch The Big Bang Theory —so he never laughs at my beloved Sheldon—, I like knowing I have someone waiting for me at home, I like having him at home. I like his few words and the mystery in his eyes, even if it also drives me crazy. I like how he has never smiled at me with his lips, but with his eyes. I like his presence and what he transmits to me. Somehow, every time I think of him, a feeling of security accompanies me. I feel safe by his side, almost protected. However, I am not a fool. I know that allowing my feelings for him to go to something more than that will end up breaking my heart. So I don't fight back because he pulls away from me, I don't argue for his firmly established walls, avoiding any closeness. In a way, I think he's doing me a favor.

What I do for him I would do for anyone else. It's who I am. If anyone needs help, there's Willa. That's why I decided to be a nurse, that's why I love being a nurse. That doesn't mean I'm not aware that I deserve more than what little I know about his situation. He has me blind-sided and I have no idea what is really going on. I know I need to talk to him, I know I deserve to know what's going on regarding his attack, and I promise myself to do so as soon as possible.

And it's when I'm mentally rambling about our situation that I see Reid outside the hospital, waiting for me. Although it's well after midnight and he always usually accompanies me when I have to work at this time, I wasn't sure that after the almost-kiss attempt he would continue to do so.

I walk with unsteady steps towards him, staring at him. His jaw hardens and he abruptly averts his gaze when he notices my uncertainty, as if it infuriates him. I stop in front of his hard body, my hands inside my coat as he keeps his face turned, making me notice the stiffness of his jaw even more. If he clearly doesn't want me around, why is he here?

I swallow my breath and also look away just as Jason speaks: "Hey, Ben."

I don't look at him, but I know Reid has only given him the tiniest of nods, like he always does. Jason seems to notice the awkwardness between the two of us, so he stares at us without saying more.

After they first met, Jason a few times asked me about my supposed cousin and his resemblance to the famous rock star Reid Colleman. However, he never gave any hint of thinking it's exactly him, not when videos of Reid performing concerts on his latest tour around the country, a tour that is a hit, appear daily in the entertainment news. And now, with his new haircut and obvious change, I doubt Jase will ever bring up the subject again.

When the silence has stretched longer than usual between the three of us, I find myself with the urge to fill it: "It's so cold!"

Two pairs of eyes look at me, some amused, some expressionless. Of course, Reid's are the latter.

"Here" Jase takes off the wool scarf I knitted for him and wraps it delicately around my neck.

"No need" I whisper, but I don't stop him from putting it on me. I can't move, not when I feel Reid's intense gaze on me.

"Of course it's necessary, but tomorrow you bring it to me, it's my present" and he playfully touches the tip of my nose, as he has always done since we were kids.

I smile at the familiar caress, unable to help myself. However, that smile dies when I meet Reid's icy eyes. I shiver, but not exactly from the chill of the night.

"I was wondering, Jason, are you free this weekend?"

Everything stops for a moment, especially Jason and me. It's the first time Reid has spoken to Jase, and my best friend looks as surprised as I do. Reid has never exactly been nice to Jason, actually, sometimes he's not even nice to me, so I understand Jase's puzzled stutter when he asks: "W-what?"

"Willa is anxious to go to the movies. I had promised to take her this Saturday, but a few things came up. Since they seem so close, why don't they go together?"

I blink, blink one more time, and one more last time.

What is he doing?

I stare at him, completely speechless and shocked. Reid looks at Jason in an almost humiliating way, he's always looked at him like that, like he's little next to him. Just now, as he sets me up on a date with him, his stare is even more insulting. Of course, Jason overlooks that.

Angrily, I brace myself for his excitement.

"Of course I'll go with you, Willa!" Jason says happily, but I don't look at him, no. My eyes are on Reid and, in fact, his eyes are on mine too, returning the cold stare I'm giving him.

Jase, oblivious, plans aloud what we'll do on Saturday, not giving me a chance to weigh in. Finally, when he's done with his chatter, he has the good sense to ask: "Do you think so, Willa?"

I shake my head in what I'm not sure if it's an affirmation or a denial, but Jason definitely takes it as an affirmation.

"Perfect, Willa, it's a date."

I look away from Reid and look at Jason, surprised when he leans over and kisses my cheek goodbye. Watching him walk away with that illusion in his eyes turns my stomach. I can't believe Reid did that. I can't believe his audacity. I just can't believe it.

My rage flows so hot through my veins that it actually dulls the chill of the night. I abruptly remove the scarf from my neck and tuck it into my bag, at the same time my feet start to walk briskly home. Reid soon catches up with me, walking beside me.

For the first time, I really don't want his presence.

I struggled to redraw the boundary of the friendship Jason and I once blurred. Reid didn't have the right to damage in an instant what I've been trying to accomplish for months. He just didn't have any right. So when we finally get inside the house, I'm not able to stop myself. I try, but I can't. This tightness I feel in my chest needs to be released.

"Why did you do that?" I ask, turning suddenly to look at him.

Reid looks at me with furrowed brows, looking confused.

"What is "that" exactly?"

"You set up a date between Jason and me, why?

"Why not?" He folds his arms, looking serious. I don't think he can imagine how much his posture irritates me, how much it infuriates and even hurts me. And I just want to hit him, I want to scream at him... I want him to leave me alone. I really, really want him to just leave me alone.

"Why do you think you can interfere in my life like that? Who do you think you are?" I take a step forward, ignoring how he tenses up at my approach. "Don't pretend you know me, Reid, because you don't."

He just looks away in that gesture of his that I've learned he always does when he's upset, but I don't let myself be intimidated by it, I continue: "Don't think for a second that you know what's best for me. You... you don't know anything."

I stand there, waiting for a reaction from him; for him to speak, to apologize, to give me an explanation... something. He doesn't. He just shows that hurtful indifference that crushes me in a way it shouldn't. I grind away the silly tears that fill my eyes, pushing them away before he can see them. And I calm myself, breathing deeply for several seconds, pushing away the feelings that want to come out in a loud explosion. However, I can't hold back the small chuckle that escapes me, my face turned to the side, avoiding looking at him because I can't believe the way he so freely and cynically thinks he can run my life.

"I don't want you to pick me up at work again, I don't even understand why you do it. Just... stay the hell away from me."

We both flinch at the shrill force with which I curse, neither he nor I used to that word coming out of my mouth, proving how much he drove me over the edge.

I look at him one last time before turning and walking away. The disappointment I feel at his actions is crushing and I can't stand to have him around. Reid is cold and uncaring, no matter how hard I try for us to carry on a peaceful relationship, evidently, whatever bond I thought was forming between us, it was something only on my part. Just because I care about a person doesn't mean the feeling is reciprocated.

"You're exaggerating," he says suddenly.

Against my better judgment I stop, still waiting for a reaction from him. He says no more, so I turn to look at him in disbelief. If he were my friend, if he felt even a hint of appreciation for how hard I'm trying to make him well, he would think of me before he acted. He wouldn't walk all over my feelings, forcing me to be with Jason even when I don't want to, making me relive something that already hurt me once, something that day by day I strive to leave in the ground.

"If I wanted a date with Jason, I would have asked him myself. I have my own decision, I am an autonomous person, I get what I want on my own. Don't treat me like I'm incompetent. You're not my matchmaker... you and I are nothing."

Suddenly, his eyes flash with sudden anger.

"It's very good that it's clear to you that you and I are nothing, Willa."

"After today it became crystal clear to me, you have nothing to worry about."

"Really? Then why do your eyes tell me otherwise?"

How dare he?

I look away, not letting him see how much he's hurting me, how humiliated I feel that he would expose my feelings like this.

He knows I'm developing feelings for him and he's throwing them in my face carelessly, like they're nothing.

"What's bothering you?" I cross my arms under my breasts, clenching my hands into fists and concentrating on that feeling to keep the stinging out of my eyes. He doesn't respond and yet I continue. I won't flinch, we'll set the record straight today. "What are you afraid of, Reid? What are you so afraid of? That I'll fall in love with you?"

We both turn our faces at the same time, meeting each other's angry eyes.

He takes a step forward with his body tensing. I stand there, not escaping him.

"Willa" he says, as if warning me that we are entering dangerous territory.

"You're too arrogant, thinking this is about you. What, you think I'm hurt because you're throwing me into someone else's arms? You think stupid Willa has already fallen in love with you?" I ask, causing him to tense up with each question. "You're wrong, this has nothing to do with you."

"Are you sure about that?"

Arrogant s**t.

I wonder how foolish and transparent I have been with him, worrying about him, so that he thinks he has me in the palm of his hand.

God, how much of a fool have I made of myself in front of him?

I push away the feeling of humiliation and focus on giving an answer to his question, because yes, I have feelings for him, but this is not about him.

"Believe it or not, this is only about Jason and me, something that doesn't concern you, but something you got into without having any right to."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Jason and I have a history," I almost shouted, furious, no longer able to control myself. "We were in a relationship in which neither of us did well. I've been trying day in and day out to get back to what we were before, so you had no right to do what you did, practically pushing me to relive something that still has consequences today."

I capture the instant his eyes show surprise, maybe even anger.

"You were Jason's girlfriend?"

I don't answer, I just look at him, pressing my lips tightly together, avoiding rude rants to his face. He takes my forearm in his hand, pulling me slightly into him and almost making me bump into his chest. My body trembles from the rage I feel and I growl as his breath washes over my face, his harsh voice whispering: "Tell me."

But I don't.

"Tell me, Willa" he orders slowly, looking intensely into my eyes.

"f**k you."

My words shock him, but they seem to be what's necessary for him to understand.

"Jason hurt you."

I jerk at his words, trying to break free of his grip, preventing him from seeing anything else inside me. He pulls me firmly closer to his body, his hand on my arm handling me.

"Let go of me, Reid."

He does so immediately, he releases me as soon as I ask him to, but he doesn't pull away. Nor does he stop his questions.

"Answer me, what did he do to you?"

I leave my hands on his chest, his eyes fall there, but our contact doesn't last long because I only touch him to push him away.

Only to push him away.

"All you need to know is that Jason and I aren't going to happen again, no matter how desperately you want it to."

I make an attempt to pull away, but Reid won't let me. Silently, he advances toward me, forcing me back until he corners me against the wall, both hands planted on either side of my face. I look at both of his arms, first one and then the other, then I look at his face, warning him that he needs to back up. He doesn't. Reid tilts his head, bringing our faces closer until we are breathing the same air. Yet despite the closeness, we are nowhere touching.

His dark eyes show anger and a frustration I don't understand.

"You and I would be a bigger mistake than you and him, Willa."

And there it is, the words that, without even being said, were there from the beginning of our discussion.

Our eyes search each other for what? I don't know, but they search for something. Something I have no idea about and I'm sure he doesn't either, but we search. Me motionless under the prison of his arms and him there, desperately needing my acceptance of his words. And this time, with him so close, I am unable to chase away the tears.

Reid pulls away as the single tear rolls down my cheek. The anger in his dark eyes seems to rise to a level I haven't seen him before, but I'm not sure who that anger is directed at.

I open my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing comes out of my lips.

I close my eyes, trying to gather my thoughts, to clear my emotions, to chase away feelings I can't afford.

And finally I nod, granting his wish.

As if our conversation didn't happen, we both walk away at the same time and go to different directions in the house, ignoring each other.

That's the first night, in weeks, that we haven't slept together.

Also, it's the first time he's made me cry.

And something tells me it won't be the last.