Entangled Heart: A Rival's Redemption

Chapter 8: Letting go.

---------------------— Emma? The weighty awareness that the decision I had been avoiding was no longer one I could keep running from woke me up the next morning. Jenna's words tormented me; you won't know unless you try—deep down, I knew she was true. The issue transcended Liam as well. It was myself. Convinced that keeping people at a distance—especially him—was the only way I would survive, I had spent so many years protecting my heart. But that kind of life was what one lived? Perched in bed, I watched the early morning light slink between the drapes. Monday morning's bustle already permeated the city outside, but inside my apartment everything felt frozen. quiet. doubtful. I loathed ambiguity. My fingers twitching with the need to message Liam, I peered at my phone on the bedside table. something brief and straightforward. Something to let him know, perhaps just maybe, I was ready to give this a true try. But my thumb stayed locked in doubt for a long period over the screen. What would happen if I delivered the message and soon felt bad about it? What if I started a sequence of events I couldn undo? But what would happen if I neglected? If I let this anxiety rule me and I lost him once more—this time permanently? I inhaled deeply, typed the message, then I could second-guess myself. Me: Could we perhaps discuss later? I believe I'm ready. I stared at the words for a protracted while before sending. There is. That was completed. I had just to wait now. ---------------------- Work was a blur. I went through the motions, attending meetings, responding emails, reviewing reports, but my mind wasn’t on any of it. Liam, contemplating the later chat we were destined to have, all I could think of. I tried to bury myself in the familiar grind of my work, try to concentrate, but nothing could calm the nervous energy pulsing just under the surface. My phone buzzed on my desk at noon. The name Liam flashed on the screen caused my heart to leap into my throat. Liam: I'll grab you right after work. Dinner comes first. I paused just once before answering. Me: Yes. The rest of the day seemed as if it were a countdown. Every hour that went by drew me toward the moment I had been fearing and longing for. I could hardly be still by the time five o'clock got around. Liam was waiting for me outside, sloppily leaning against his car, when I exited the building. He seemed different somehow—more laid back, more honest. Alternatively, perhaps that was simply my anxiety interpreting reality as unreal. He grinned and said, "Hey," as I walked up. I said, feeling a flutter of nervousness in my chest, "Hey." I didn't know how to negotiate the abrupt change between us or how to do this. Again, though, perhaps there was no appropriate course of action. Perhaps all we had to do was dive in and sort it out as we proceeded. My heart thumping in my chest, Liam unlocked the passenger door for me and I climbed into the seat. He entered on the driver's side and turned on the engine, but for a few brief seconds we neither spoke. Though it was not particularly unpleasant, the stillness seemed packed with expectation, as if we were both waiting for the other to initiate the first action. Liam murmured at last, his voice shattering the quiet, "Dinner." "We will then discuss." Thankyou for the brief respite; I nodded. Right now I wasn't ready to dive into the deep end. I needed a little more time to collect my ideas, to work out how to express what I had to say. ---------------------__ We finally arrived to a little, cosy restaurant hidden in a quiet area of the city. It was the kind of spot that felt private, isolated—just right for the kind of chat we were about to have. The low lighting and quiet music made everything seem almost dreamy, and for a few second I let myself picture that this was simply a regular meal. Nothing of pressure. Not heavy talks. Of course, it wasn't as well as that. Liam bought a bottle of wine for us, and I sipped my glass gently, attempting to cool the anxious energy running through me. From across the table, I could feel him staring at me with a focused but measured intensity. I knew he was not going to hurry me. That did not simplify matters, though. "So, after we had finished our appetisers," he added. "You wanted to converse?" I nodded, took a long breath, placed down my glass. "I have been considering all quite a bit. About ourselves. On the past. Liam only watched me, waiting for me to keep on. He said nothing. Admitting, my voice barely above a whisper, "I'm scared." "I fear I will just end up hurting if I let myself believe in this again, in us." His countenance softened, and he reached across the table to run his fingers over mine. "I get that. I truly do. Emma, nevertheless, I won be hurting you. Never again. I have changed even though I know I committed faults once more. They have helped me to grow. Though his contact was warm and comforting, I looked down at our hands and the terror still lingered firmly in my chest. I said gently, wanting to believe that. But part of me still awaits the other shoe to fall. Liam gave me a light squeeze of hand. I understand this. Nor am I asking you to blindly believe me. I must earn that, as I know. I am, however, ready to go to great lengths. Emma, I am here. I'm right in. The genuineness in his voice hurt my heart, and for the first time in a long time I felt a sliver of hope. Perhaps this could be successful. Perhaps we might go past the betrayal and hurt and rediscover something real. "I'm not saying it will be easy," I answered, staring him in the eye. Still, I'm game to give it a shot. One progressive step at a time. Liam grinned, a real, slow smile that had my heart racing. That's all I'm requesting. --------------------— Dinner went in a whirl of simple banter and belly laughs. How fast we reverted to old rhythms and how at ease it felt to be with him like this seemed odd. We were picking up exactly where we had left off, almost as though the years of hurt and absence had never occurred. But I knew well than to let the illusion carry me. This differed from what it had been before. We were not the same persons we had been all those years ago. And that was advantageous as well. We were better educated and older. Perhaps this time we could manage it. I agreed, appreciative of the fresh air and the opportunity to stretch my legs, when Liam suggested we stroll across the adjacent park after supper. The only sounds in the still park were the soft breeze's rustling of leaves and the far-off buzz of metropolitan traffic. Though our hands brushed sporadically, we strolled side by side and talked little. Simply being in each other's company had a calming effect; no words could capture that. We eventually came onto a bench under a big oak tree, and we settled down with easy stillness between us. Leaning back, I gazed up at the nighttime heavens, the stars hardly discernible through the city lights. I murmured softly, startled by the admission: "I missed this." Liam turned to gaze at me, his face gentle. "Me also." We sat there for some time, savoring the silence and the basic delight of company. Though little, that moment felt important, like the first step toward something else. Something inspiring. Turning to meet him, "I'm glad we did this," I remarked. "I thought I might be ready, but I wasn't sure." Liam grinned, his eyes gentle and full of comprehension. "I's glad too." He stretched out and grabbed my hand, his touch light yet firm—as though he was reluctant to press too much. He added softly, "One step at a time," echoing what I had stated previously. I nodded, sensing for the first time in weeks peace come over me. "One step at a time.." And as we sat there hand in hand under the still canopy of the trees, I knew perhaps—just maybe—that I was ready to go that first step.