Heads Will Roll

I believe people haven't realized yet how wondrous of an invention the guillotine is. They usually frown upon it. I do as well. But honestly speaking, its efficiency in its task was unparalleled, and its accuracy was on point. One turn from a lever and the blade will immediately be released, making a clean cut of the head. Remove the bucket, dispose of the body, and then the apparatus is now ready for the next poor soul to be placed on it. How would I know? Because I'm currently strapped on one. There were around twenty of us here, with five guillotines at the ready. Now, we are down to the last five, including me. "On tea time!" I rolled my eyes at the six of hearts. I've only been here for a few minutes, but my head is already aching with all the nonsense that I see and hear. The people are not... well, people. Everyone is either made of cards, a mishmash of creatures, a humanoid version of animals, or a talking teapot and a bunch of other objects. Impossible. Ludicrous. Mad. And yet here I am in the middle of it all. Still, I am well aware that I shouldn't be stuck in this contraption when tea time takes place. I tried counting the gap between when they shouted that signal and when they pulled the lever, but I found no commonalities. In all four batches of execution, the times were different from each other. I raked my brain for a way to escape. I refuse to die in this ridiculous world. "I plead not guilty!" I shouted in desperation. The six of hearts raised its thin white arms. "Halt!" Another card stepped forward and looked at me. It was the four of hearts. "Would you like some tea?" I stared at the card for a moment, utterly confused. "Is that a trick question?" The card raised its hand and the five of hearts copied the gesture. It shouted again, "On tea time!" Shit. Fuckity f**k, s**t. Okay, so that wasn't a trick question. My eyes desperately searched for something that could save me, but everything looked wrong. The houses are all leaning haphazardly, the castle looks like melted white chocolate, and everyone is trying to avert their eyes from me. No one likes to be associated with the girl on death row. "I've done nothing wrong!" I exclaimed. "On what grounds are you even beheading me?" The four of hearts raised its hands and the other cards blew on their trumpets. I flinched from the loud booming sound echoing throughout the courtyard. After the brief signal, a kettle with short porcelain legs and floating silk arms came running with a scroll. The four of hearts unrolled it and the paper went on and on and on down the platform. "State your name," the card said. "Ah... Cutley. My name is Cutley." I replied. The card skimmed its fingers down the list until it stopped somewhere midway. "You are guilty of eating the King's tarts!" My eyes widen in shock. "But I neither have seen nor eaten any tarts!" "Contrariwise!" The four of hearts objected, then it gestured towards another card to step forward. The six of hearts approached while holding a tart, then it chucked the tart right on my face. "You've got to be f*****g kidding me!" I struggled with my bindings, but the shackles didn't even budge. The card raised its hand again and shouted, "On tea time!" "Stop saying that!" But my pleas fell on deaf ears. The cards walked back to their position and then we were waiting again for the final judgment. I'm losing hope. I thought it would be impossible for me to just die like this, but as seconds ticked by, the reality became clearer and clearer. I was slowly coming into acceptance with my end when suddenly, someone from the crowd threw a cupcake. All of us watched it sail through the air and then it landed a few paces away from where we were situated. We just stared at it, mystified with the object... until it exploded.