Dearest Diary,

Pretty Clueless

Dearest diary,

Sometimes men can be pretty clueless. I am not aware of your gender, but please, if you're one don't take offence at that.

I mean, what part of I need time can't one understand?

Is it so weird for me, a woman, to want to have time so that I can heal and work on myself? Is striving for independence such a mad idea that it's outrageous to even think about it? Surely, how does my wanting space, culminate into me playing hard to get?

Oh, how I wish diary. How I wish that I had my way...Then I would accomplish what I desire and no one would stand in my way. However, as of now that is not possible. We share a daughter between us and there's that new resolution that requires me to actually acknowledge my family and not despise or ignore them like I used to do.

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"Look at that! An avocado tree." I say pointing to a huge tree that standing in my grandma's backyard.

"and another and another..." David says pointing to two more that are beyond the high rise of banana leaves.

"And another and another..." Troy adds as he comes to stand beside me.

"You know, just because Nana approved of you, it doesn't mean that you have to keep trailing me around looking like a lost puppy."

"You wound me Attara." he says placing a hand quite dramatically over is chest. "I follow you around because I adore you and I have nothing else better to do." he adds with a cheeky grin.

"In that case, let's go exploring. I hear that there is a waterfall somewhere on this property." David suggests as he begins to strut over to us.

"That's fantastic. Let's go then." Troy says too eagerly. Not that I am not up for it, but there's something that keeps nagging me at the back of my mind and I can't quite put a finger on it.

"What about Bri?" I ask, finally shedding light on the issue.

"She's with the ladies. They are playing dolls with her hair." David gives him a quizzical look, but I am well aware what Troy is going on about.

"I bet Shea was more than happy to free you?"

"It's not like that Attara."

"You should know better. Where she's concerned it's always exactly like that." I start with a reprimanding tone, but finish with a smile at the end.

"Okay, You two are being so cryptic, it's weird that you are not together." David tells us beginning the descent down the hill and into the banana plantation.

I shoot a glare his way, but it is pointless seeing that his back is towards me and he is no longer paying attention.

Troy chuckles at me and follows after David, leaving me with no other choice but to follow too.

"Hey, slow down. Some of us are not as tall as you are!" I shout running after them.

They slow down to a stroll and I am able to catch up, just as a section of tall napier grass comes into view.

I notice how the path we are on cuts through the wide man made terrace seperating the crop of bananas to one side and the napier grass to the other. Moving on to the next terrace, a section of coffee bushes rise up to meet us and I notice how rows of sweet potato vines, lie on the edge of the smaller terraces, seperating one row of coffee plants from the other.

"Why are there so many terraces here?" Troy asks, studying the same phenomenon that I am.

"Since the land is sloppy, it helps curb soil erosion, plus I also thinks it helps section the land into paddocks that can be of better aid when it comes to crop rotation."

Both Troy and I nod at David's answers and we continue downhill mersmerised by the view that greets us.

"This is tea." David says pointing to the carpet of green that flows endlessly before us. "It grows well here due to the high attitude and cool weather, and it's able latch on well on the rather steep slopes."

I let my eyes wander through the expansive green mattress, before noticing a river rushing over the rocks, way below the tea plantation.

"There's a river." I tell them, pointing to the winding water mass below us.

"This way." David says cutting horizontally through the tea, before walking down the hill along the fence. We continue up next hill that is so steep that I am forced to make a several stops along the way, in order to catch my breath.

"How do even know the way?" I ask David,panting heavily as I finally make it to their side, on top of the hill.

"Your uncle Frank gave me the directions." he replies surveying the glorious view before us.

As expected it's more tea but at the very bottom of it, a water falls forms over a wide jutting rock that connects this hill to the next.

We are too high to see its bottom, but the crashing sounds it makes reassures us of one.

"This is beautiful." Troy says taking out his phone to start snap some pictures.

"Shall we go down there?" David asks and Troy nods back.

"Wait, wait a second. How will we get there? And why aren't you two breathless, when I am clearly heaving out my lungs!" I complain laying a hand across my chest to feel my rapidly beating heart.

"You just have to ask and I will gladly carry you." Troy says and a stricken expression forms on my face, as unbidden images of us stumbling and falling to our deaths on the rocks below, rock my mind causing me to my shudder with apprehension. An act that makes the two baffoons, standing beside me to quake with laughter.

"I hate you so much, right now." I tell them, turning back the way we came.

"Hey, Attara. Don't be mad." David shouts after me, but I ignore him and keep walking down hill faster than I came up.

"Attara." David yells again and his voice echoes through the forest causing me to cringe, flinching at the loud noise in such a quiet place.

I take the next hill in stride, veins pumping with adrenaline as I continue to ignore their calls, muttering angrily as I move along.

Before long ,I find myself within the banana plantation. I stomp into the compound, startling a few chicken, before sneaking into the house to grab my purse and car keys.

Once I have them in my hands, I sneak out once again careful not to alert my cousins or sister who are holed up inside living watching reality television on E! Channel.

"Attara! Wait."

I jump in surprise, turning around to see David and Troy bursting through the banana tree line and I accelerate my pace into an almost run towards Bridget.

I hear Troy muttering some words akin to curse words and I stop to stare, surprise plastered all over my face.

"What did you just say?"

Indeed curiosity killed the cat and it is also now proving to be my greatest undoing.

"He said, Trust Attara to literally make you sweat for it." David tells struggling to maintain a straight face.

"I do not appreciate your sentiments Troy!" I snap turning to press the remote key that unlocks Bridget.

"Attara..."

"Shall we go?" I cut him off turning to adress David.

"Where?" Troy asks coming to stand my line of vision.

"Not you!" I snap at Troy before turning to adress David. "and you, get into the car!"

Troy makes a quizzical expression but I ignore him and jump into the passenger seat. I throw my car keys to David and he catches them effortlessly, before striding over to the driver's side.

"You're ditching me?" Troy asks wearing an outrageous expression.

"Sorry dude. The queen's orders." David replys turning on the vehicle ignition and Troy turns back to me.

"You can't just leave me!" he states shooting me an incredulous look.

"Watch me." I retort signalling David to pull out.

Troy's jaw drops and I watch via the rear view mirror as my sister and cousins come out beside him.

"She ditched me!" he wails dramatically as we turn around to drive out of the compound.

I watch Caleb clap an arm across his shoulder and grins breaks out across his face, as the rest of his words are droned out by the roar of the heavy disesel engine.

"Ouch! That was harsh even for you. What exactly did he do to deserve that kind of treatment, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I know it's harsh, but I couldn't of any other way to ditch him without passing on the wrong message." I reply feeling a little guilty as I recall his hurt expression.

"What message?" David asks, pressing his foot on the accelerator and we set out to search for the nearest shopping centre.

"I don't want him to think that I am enjoying his advances." I state as a matter of fact, although I know that by saying that, I have openned more avenues for questions.

"Would it be so bad if he did? From what I have seen he seems to genuinely care about you. Or is it something that happenned in your past?"

I nod at that and he continues.

"You're are yet to forgive him?"

"No, that's the thing. I have forgiven him, but I feel like I need time to heal and I am afraid that a relationship would divert me from my set goals."

"Oh," he says taking a sharp right turn. "Why would you feel that way? He could end up being more help than trouble?"

"We don't know that for sure and that's a risk that I am not willing to take. I have lived under his shadow long enough and all I want is to gain my independence. I can't keep wishing that he will send money for Bri's upkeep, so that I can find something to sort myself out with."

David nods in agreement staring at the road thoughtfully as he turns my comments in his mind.

"What really happenned between the two of you?"

I debate on wether to tell him our story and I am saved from further deliberation, as a shopping centre consisting of a few kiosks, a church and a school comes into view.

"How about another day? Right now we have work to do and we cannot to dally any longer."

David nods at me and we alight from the car, in order to start enquiring around.