Married to the Rogue

Chapter 8: Disappoint

|Cassandra|

My mother is dead.

That was the news that I could not accept.

There's no way that mother would leave me alone!

But then...who am to continue denying that my mother was not dead, when one day, it was my father who brought me in person on the place where she was buried.

On the place I called once my home.

I fell into my knees as I stared at my mother's tomb in front of me. The familiar scenery around was one of my favorite place within the proximity of our own land. The cliff, the vast forest, the mountains on the horizon. Yet...for the certain day, it became the last place I ever wanted to visit.

I still could not accept the fact that she is dead.

Why did she die? How? What happened?

Those were the questions that would run through my head all the time. But it would be immediately overwhelmed with my grief and sorrow if I could not think of possible answers.

I was crying terribly in front of her tomb. Her name was not etched on the tomb, but seeing the familiar scarf she always wear whenever she goes for work, was enough evident that she is really dead.

Why mother? Why did you leave me?

I was devastated when we came back to the palace. I was silenty crying the entire duration of travelling back to the palace. And even when I was escorted back to my room, the tears won't just stop falling.

It was my first time to feel such sorrow. My chest was in continuous deep pain, that I thought it won't stop. I would only stop crying if I fell into asleep due to exhaustion. And each night, I would dream of mother, embracing me and singing me my favorite song. Then if I woke up in that dream and realized that she would never come back, I would see myself crying once again.

And the cycle continues for the entire month. I was silent by choice since I always had some difficulty in speaking. And I did not say even a single word for each passing day for the entire month. I would mumble some but everyone would assume that I was mute.

I did come out inside my bedroom either. Those four corners of my room became my cage, my comfort zone, my sanctuary.

My mother was always be my sanctuary. Her embrace would be my home. Her voice was my peaceful hum. But she chose to leave me alone in this world.

Every handmaiden who was assigned to take care of me was worried for my health and being. Father would gave his visit sometimes but he would notice in the first hand that it's a waste of his time to even try on talking to me.

And I thanked him somehow that he allowed me to have my grief for the entire month. I thought he would let it pass for another month. But when he barged into my room, with haste and impatience, after hearing that I still chose to lock up myself inside my bedroom, he suddenly implented the things that I must do the very next day.

"You are f*******n to stay the entire day inside your room," he commanded. He was seating on a single sofa of the receiving area of my bedroom. And behind him were three person who were probably around his age, staring down at me.

I dropped my head low as father continued to say about his plans for me so I could get occupied. At my age, I need to start studying. And all I could ever do was to be in silent and listen to him.

When he was done, I finally took the courage to lift my head and looked at my father.

"F-Father," I called. And it was a great timing that the room was silent when I called him. Everyone's head inside the room turned into my direction. I swallowed hard, suddenly getting uncomfortable of the looks they were giving me.

"What is it, Cassandra?" father asked, giving me his entire attention.

"I-I..." I stuttered. My gaze landed on a woman behind him, staring at me with his curious look. The color of her curiosity was emitting from her body, same as to the two woman beside her.

I quickly averted my gaze and musted my courage to finally said what I was to say to father.

"I-I. d-don't. w-want. t-to. study," I muttered. And his one brow shot up after hearing those words from me.

"What do you want to do with your life Cassandra? Stay inside this room until you grow old and die?" my father hissed. And I could not help but stared at his angry expression after he said those. Red would always be a warning to me.

"I-I. want. m-my. mother." I finally uttered then dropped my head low, fiddled my hands as if doing so would save me from the sudden embarrassment I was feeling.

"Your mother is dead," father said ruthlessly, like he did not care if I could get hurt with his words or not.

My lips trembled as a familiar quench of pain assaulted within my chest. The tears were now pooling my eyes. And I did not know that I could still cry like this. I thought my tears had finally dried up, yet, whenever reality hits me, and whenever I always remember my beloved mother, I always end up crying. I am still in the darkness of denial that she is dead. I still coult not accept it.

"I will give you another month to be free and locked yourself inside this room. But after that, you are to do your duties as a princess, Cassandra," father implemented before he finally stood from his seat and left my bedroom with his people.

Duties of a princess, huh?

I have the idea that I was one but still...it was a shock to me when that certain fact finally dawned to me. It was as clear as the day when I found out that he was my father.

I was--no--I am born with royal blood. Only the difference was, I am an illigitimate child of King Brion St. Clair to other woman. And I am a part of the St. Clair Family.

That news had really baffled me. But I was too busy nurturing my feelings to even care that I am a princess.

The St. Clairs.

According to the book that I had once read, they are the rulers of Amethyst Kingdom since the beginning of time. They are one of the families who had built and establish the government on the entire 'Archipelago'. And among all other kingdoms of the witches and warlocks, the city of Amethyst is the center and above all.

The St. Clairs had a distinct features and characteristic among anyone else's when they are born. And two of which is having a copper-colored hair and a purple-colored iris. For some reason, the St. Clairs are the only existing human life who was born with this two characteristics. Possessing both means luck and great power.

Now I fully understand why Magda and her family continued on addressing me 'your highness' and 'princess' even after I was brought here. They had found out all along that I was a princess.

And that fact only dawned to me after I confirmed whom my father was.

I should have spent my remaining one month of freedom in roaming around the palace and do whatever I wanted. But I was too stubborn to even listen to the handmaidens who were giving suggestion of what should I do.

I...once wished to be outside. That I wanted to spend my remaining one month of freedom with Magda's family. But father's thundering voice were the first thing that registered into my system. And I knew at that moment what was his decision was. He forbids me in stepping out of the palace's premises, more so, involving myself with the Umbers.

So, instead of giving tantrums and such, it was much better to lock myself inside my bedroom for another month as a sign of my rebellion.

But it seemed that time passed like a blur. The moment I realized that the last leaf of my month had fallen, the very next day, different people had arrived inside my bedroom, introducing themselves as my teachers on the things that I needed to learn.

They were the people that father had brought a month ago. The familiar woman, whom I had eyed to eyed that day, was now smiling back at me.

But as a reflex, I would only hide behind Monette's back as the three of them introduced themselves.

And the first thing that father put into focus was hiring a therapist for me so I could overcome my speech defect as soon as possible. It was a struggle for me, especially that I needed to read out loud two pages of chosen book everyday. My therapist, Vivian, told me that it was for my speech exercise so I could speak normally in near future.

The next thing that was taught to me was proper etiquette. I would always spend my time inside the dining hall, studying different kind of forks and glass. Sometimes, I would see myself walking down the hallway with a book in my head. Then I would also try my best to socialize to some of the handmaidens in the palace. That was the assignment given to me by my etiquette teacher, Ethel.

And the last thing that was given importance was teaching me...magic.

I don't even know that such thing exist. But remembering that I can see the aura of the people around me, that I thought it was something magical at my first discovery, I end up believing that impossible things are possible this days.

But it seemed that...possessing magic would be the last thing I had.

Leona glanced at my father with embarassment in her eyes, it was as if he was the one who had done that embarassment.

"M-Maybe we should try again, tomorrow. You should rest, milady,"

Father stood on his seat then left the classroom without saying anything. And when the door closes, I heard Leona heaving a deep breath before she slumped into her seat.

"I'm sorry," I tell her when I looked into her direction. She immediately gaze back at me, and instead of seeing the disappointment in her eyes, and in her aura, she gave me a wide grin instead.

"You don't need to feel sorry about this, your highness. You are still a child--"

"But my sisters and brother was able to produce magic at the age of five," I stated.

Leona went out of his seat and walked toward my direction. I remained standing on my place, and after a while, she stopped in front of me, with only a table separting us.

It was inevitable to lift my head and look up to her. But she seemed to see my struggle and crouched down a little so she could lever her gaze to mine. Then, she placed her hand on the crystal on the table, and it immediately glowed, and a I could see the dust forming into different shapes.

"You are a special child, princess. It might be that your powers are still sleeping within you and it needed a trigger before it awakened. So...you don't have to feel worried. I will be here for you along the way until you finally learned how to use one," she assured.

I only nodded my head with hope that Leona might be right with her guess.

I trained physically, mentally, and even emotionally. I was doing my all because I was convinced that father might get proud of me if I do better.

And that thought became my driving force to continue on facing my struggles and training everyday.

And after couple of years, the day had finally arrived where I was expected to finally do my best, the hope that father would be finally be proud of me, became my worst nightmare.

I could see the color of disappointment emitting from my father's body. The swirl of dark orange around him was too strong. And I could not help but feel disappointed to myself at the same time.

Of course, my father's disappointment was understandable.

He was expecting something great from me. Yet...

The life I had created within the crystal became his disappointment.

Of course, on my first try on harnessing magic, I don't have any idea how to do it. But after the years of training, I should be able to cast a fire or a wind, or even one from the four elements. Yet harnessing those energy seemed to be not my talent.

Concentrating, visualizing, and even training physically had done nothing. In the end, healing wounds of a wounded animals was all I able to do.

Well as a general rule; magic is magic. Even if its through alchemy, incantations, divinations or sorcery. True magic is something...like us--no, the true royals--would able to do, like my sister Stephanie who could wield fire magic and my brother who could manipulate air.

I...on the other hand, was able to weild the basic magic of all; healing.

So, seeing him left the hall the moment he had seen what can I do, had surely left a great impact to me. Seeing the disappointment in his eyes. It was enough evidence that he concluded that I have no purpose to him. That I am powerless.

I tried my really best to impress him. I worked my hardest so he could finally see that he won't regret the decision of taking me in.

But it seems...those struggles that I have face was not enough to meet his expectations. Or more so, in a matter of fact, I won't be still enough to him.

Because who am I in this family anyway? I was just an outsider who could not wield proper magic at all.

A tear escaped my eyes as I stared at the door, closing. The scene was utterly familiar, like I had seen the same years before. But after realizing that my father was already gone, I could not stop from crying.

"It's alright, princess. You don't need to cry," I heard Monette said. She quickly pulled me for an embrace when she finally arrived in front of me.

"Monette is right, princess. You should not feel down just because you could only wield healing magic," Leona even added. Then I felt her hand patting gently on my back.

I embraced Monette a bit tighter.,

Despite the fact there my own parent is disappointed with me, I am still somehow thankful that Monette and Leona was there to support me.

Along the years...they were the only one who had seen my efforts and my struggles. They were the only one who were there at my side, giving affirmations and words of courage that I needed.

Maybe, I could say that not all of the people living on the palace likes me, but I was thankful enough that both were always there for me. And that is all that matters to me.