1
1091 Words
Have you ever loved the unlovable or tried to touch the untouchable?
"Earth to Jane!"
I snapped out of my thoughts and lifted my head to meet the dark eyes of my cousin as she sat besides me on the bed. I was so entrapped by the message before me that I hadn't even heard her come in and now, I just wanted her gone. I don't want to be rude but lately I've been feeling more and more lost, abandoned, out of sorts.
I sigh deeply as I stare at the two words blinking on my screen and the once captivating name attached to it. I was too afraid to actually click open, afraid that my blatant thoughts might become my reality and I just couldn't convince myself that I was ready for it.
We've been together for 18 months and yet this is what I wake up too. No explanation, no sorry, no 'it's not you, it's me', just 'it's over'. He didn't even bother to put a punctuation at the end, signifying that he was too 'unbothered' to even try.
Who gave guys the right to trample over hearts and ruin lives?
"Janeeee! Come back to me! Mayday, mayday, mayday!" My cousin Carol half shrieked as she playfully tried to bring me to the now.
"Carrie, I'm really not in the mood. Is it okay if we talk later?"
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." I lied, fighting to keep my tears at bay.
"Okay-" she exhaled as she stood, "Roni and I will be chilling with Darcy today okay. We made plans to go shopping but the weather is terrible so we decided to stay in... I promise we'll be quiet though."
I nodded, unable to speak and she kissed my forehead as she reluctantly left me alone. The second I heard the familiar click of the door being closed I got up and switched the locks, ensuring that no one would stumble upon me in my distress. Holding onto the doorknob, I squeezed my eyes shut as I let gravity take over. My body slowly hit the ground and the tears that were fighting for release suddenly came free.
I loved Ryder for as long as I could remember and instead of him feeling the same way, he just shut me out. Stringed me along for months just to get what he wanted and after last night was over... So were we.
Why was I so stupid?! I scolded myself as I felt my sobs starting to take over.
For 18 months I managed to hold onto the one thing that I knew he valued the most and yet I crumbled and caved. Now, not only was my first experience the shortest most sweetest yet utterly depressing thing in the whole universe, I hadn't the time to wrap my head around what I had just lost.
I brought my knees to my chin and buried my emotions.
~
"Hey you." Veronica says as I join the three people on the couch.
"Hey." I mumbled.
"I'm guessing you got pretty wasted last night for you to be waltzing out your bed at such an ungodly hour." Darcy interjected and I half smiled.
"What are you guys watching?"
"Prison Break."
"Isn't that like, very old?"
"Can you not! Wentworth Miller is one of the hottest guys on the face of the planet and we are lucky to be graced by his presence." Carrie says and I rolled my eyes.
"Well you better just look, cause he's as gay as you are."
I watched as they all narrowed their eyes at me and I shrunk an inch into my seat. "Please don't burn me at the stake." I softly pleaded before everyone started to c***k up.
"Your cousin is so unbelievable sometimes."
I rolled my eyes as Veronica snuggled closer to Carrie and I envied them as they interlocked fingers. I looked over at Darcy but she was oblivious to her surroundings and I hid my smirk as I grabbed the popcorn from off the table. I became entrapped in the scenery played out on screen and before long my reality disappeared.
As the episode came to an end my excited eyes turned to the occupants beside me and the flames distinguished at the unearthly sight.
"Ew!" I shouted and Darcy laughed as the once intimate couple pulled apart.
"There is a place with four walls and a beautiful wooden door that was created by man for such mating practices." I say as I pointed to Carrie's room.
"Haha very funny."
I laugh as the two made their way over and I couldn't help but admire them. Carrie had undergone surgery a while ago and although her stitches were removed she was still in constant pain. The good thing was that Veronica was always visiting since college was closed so that she could help nurse her girlfriend back to health.
"Sometimes she worries me too."
My mind snapped back to the present as I heard Darcy speak. Looking over, I saw her concerned eyes watching me as I just watched them.
"She's a strong person."
"She has to be, have you met her mother?" We both laughed as Aunt Rosa flashed into our thoughts.
"Aunt Rosa could be such a blunder at times."
Darcy nodded absentmindedly before her thoughts were buried by the phone in her hand. I sighed deeply before lying on my back and flipping through for a good movie. As the opening credits for 'If I stay' came on, my mind unconsciously slipped back to my recent past and once more, my reality disappeared.
I remembered the first time I met Ryder and his cheeky charms as he stumbled into the wrong class. Our eyes had connected and I could have sworn I saw sparks leap from the atmosphere between us. I never knew that a pair such as us could become friends but in the weeks that followed I found just how possible it could be.
Me; a book nerd with a snarky attitude that hid my true self and him, the bad boy that allowed himself to be tamed by me. He broke down my carefully built walls and dismantled my already fragile heart.
I remembered how time and time again he said he loved me and how time and time again, I believed him.
I sighed silently as I fought the battle of my heart and mind.
-
A/N
Side note: Carol's nicknames can also/ will also be Carr, Carrie. Please be duly advised.
- Writer
