If We Never Tried (R-18)

Mabilis ang lakad ko papalabas ng airport. Naramdaman ko ang panunuot ng init sa aking suot na sweater. Mabigat ang bagahe ko pero hinila ko iyon nang may pagmamadali. Paranoid ako na may makakilala sa akin dito o may isa ako sa mga kamag-anak ko na nandidito. Mahirap na, this trip should be discreet. Mayroon lang akong agenda rito. I need to get divorced in five days. Mahigpit ang hawak ko sa isang bag kung nasaan ang mga papeles. Yes, divorced. I am married. Unfortunately by a drunken mistake. Umuwi ako sa Pilipinas, sa lugar na hindi ko alam at wala akong kaibigan para hanapin ang asawa ko na ni minsan ay hindi ko pa nakakausap. I don not even know him. I hailed a taxi. The driver was watching me, contemplating kung tutulungan niya ba ako o hindi but I put my baggage inside. May isang range rover na pumarada sa likuran. "Saan tayo, Ma'am?" tanong ng driver at sinulyapan ako sa rear view mirror. Naramdaman ko ang malakas na pagbusina sa likuran ng taxi, nagmura ang driver at tumingin sa akin na may kinukuha mula sa bag ko. "Ma'am, saan tayo? Binubusinahan na tayo, oh!" sabi ng driver. Umirap ako. Lily warned me about this place. "Can you just wait, kuya? I am looking for the address. And wait," I said and opened the window of the taxi so I could see whoever's beeping at us. Galit kong dinungaw ang ulo ko. I saw the driver waved at me to move the car but I rolled my eyes. "Wait for your f*****g turn!" I screamed and sat inside again. Nakita ko rin sa wakas ang address na nakuha ko. Pinakita ko 'yon sa driver. "Here, let's go." I said. In case you were wondering, how did I even get here? Sinandal ko ang likuran ko at pinanood ang mga building na nasa labas habang iniisip ang nangyari sa akin days ago... "Congratulations, Kaia!" sigaw ni Lily, isa sa mga kaibigan ko rito sa London. We were celebrating my engagement to my boyfriend. Kagabi ay nag-propose na sa akin si Cameron, ang boyfriend ko simula college. "Thank you, Lily. You will be my maid of honor, okay?" I whispered to her ears. Malakas ang music dito sa paborito naming pub. We were a local here. Dito na rin kasi ako sa England lumaki dahil dito napili ng parents ko na mag-settle down. We lived here when I was still a baby until now. Kilala ang pamilya ni daddy sa Pilipinas but my mommy said it was too complicated kaya rito na kami nanirahan. They loved the peace in here. I liked it here. Hindi rin naman ako close sa mga pinsan ko roon. My last visit to the Philippines was when we celebrated my 18th birthday at lumipad na rin agad ako matapos ang isang linggo para makipagkita sa mga kaibigan ko. My friends were a mix of filipino and foreign, kaya naman fluent ako sa english at tagalog. "Alam na ba ni Tito at Tita?" She asked after downing a glass of bourbon. Napawi ang ngiti ko. That was an upcoming problem. Hindi gusto ni mommy at ni daddy si Cameron. Laman kasi siya ng basag ulo rito sa England at nakakalusot lang dahil sa may katungkulan ang kaniyang ama. But I saw him differently. Kaklase ko ito simula noong elementary pa lang kami. Madalas ang pag-aaway namin ni mommy simula noong maging boyfriend ko si Cameron. She said that I became wild, but I do not see it that way. I was just liberated. Masiyado kasing conservative at masiyadong filipino style ang gusto nilang upbringing sa akin na hindi naman akma rito sa England. "They don't know and they do not need to know, okay? Cam and I, we decided to get married secretly since we do not need their permission." I answered. Hindi na namin kailangan iyon dahil nasa tamang edad na kami. So, starting tomorrow, mag-aayos na kami. Cameron wanted us to get married in a small chapel here in London. We thought it is too suspicious if we would do it in Cambridge, dahil may mga koneksyon doon sina daddy. "I don't think this will be an easy marriage for you... but I support you. I just really hope that he would not do anything to hurt you in the future." She told me. I nodded. Cameron might be wild, pero kahit kailan, hindi niya ako pinagbuhatan ng kamay. We were drunk when we got back to our hotel. Hinatid ko muna si Lily, bago ako pumunta sa kuwarto ko. When I opened my door, nandoon na si Cameron. He met me here dahil galing pa siya sa isang frat party sa kaniyang college. He was smiling and he went up to kiss me. I welcomed him with a hug. "How's the drive, hon?" I asked. He was drunk. Amoy na amoy ko ang alak sa kaniya. Hindi niya ako sinagot but he pulled me so I could sit in his lap. I watched our reflection. We've been together for how many years? We are going ten years this year. We became in a relationship when we were about to start our college freshman year. "I cannot wait to be your husband, Kaia." He told me. "I want to have s*x with you." He said and bit my neck. I felt a little bit uncomfortable with what he said. We had never been intimate before, even though I am a party girl, I never gave him my body. Deep inside, I am conservative and I want to save my body until marriage. Kaya naman noong marinig ko iyon, bigla akong nakaramdam ng pagkadismaya. But I tried to hide it by fake smiling. Nagising ako noong halos magtatanghali na. Cameron's already on his phone. His voice was rising and he's kind of mad to whoever he was talking too. Bumangon ako at naghilamos muna bago lumabas. Lily just texted me that she's out with a friend and they were having brunch. Sinabi niya rin na hindi na niya ako sinama kasi alam niyang kasama ko si Cameron. I just replied 'okay' at lumapit na kay Cameron. Tapos na siya sa kung sinuman ang kausap niya. I tried to hug him but he moved away. Ginugulo niya ang kaniyang buhok, halatang frustrated. I watched him sit on the hotel couch. "What's wrong?" I asked. He did not look at me. Umupo ako sa tabihan niya. "Sorry. You need to go alone. I need to head back home. My mum and my dad is finally doing it." He said. Kumurap ako. By the way he's acting, mukhang alam ko na ang balak niyang sabihin. His parents were fighting, isa na rin sa rason kung bakit sa tingin ko ay naging mainitin ang ulo niya noon. Palaging basag ulo siya kaya ayaw nina Mommy at Daddy sa kaniya. "They finally are divorcing." He said again. Niyakap ko siya. "I am sorry to hear that baby." I said. Hindi siya nagsalita. I watched the outside from the windows. "If we get married, I promise we would not get divorced." I added. He chuckled. "You are stuck with me forever, Kaia. Remember that." He said. Hindi ako sumagot. He went home. I tried to text Lily so she could accompany me to get my certificate of no marriage or in UK, a certificate of no impediment. Dumating si Lily matapos ang isang oras, at agad naman siyang nag-drive papunta sa pinakamalapit na town hall. Maganda at organize ang pagkuha ng mga document rito sa UK, I fell in line and waited for them to give me clearance, but to my surprise, they would not. The woman from there, gave me a confused and regretful look. "Sorry, Ma'am. But in our system you are currently married." She said. Gulat ko siyang tiningnan. Parang nabibingi ako o ano. "What? Married?" I asked her. Tumango siya at pinakita sa akin ang isang marriage contract na nasa screen ng kaniyang computer. I read the documents. It is real and legit. I cussed when I saw my signature in there. Wait, kailan at paano? Tinakipan ko ang bibig ko. "Hudson Louis Fajardo?" I read my husband's name. I don't know anyone with that name! May signature rin iyon doon. The woman gave me a printed copy of it. Maputla ko iyong kinuha. Paano nangyari ito? I read the date. We got married five years ago? "You need to get divorce before we clear your CNI, ma'am." the woman smiled at me. I said my thanks at nanghihina na umalis sa window. Nakatingin sa akin si Lily. Napansin niya ata na wala ako sa mood kaya tumayo siya mula sa kinauupuan niya. Umiling ako. I showed her the paper at pareho kami ng naging reaksyon. Nagpunta kami sa malapit na coffee shop. She cannot believe it too. "Oh my god. So, all this time, kasal ka?" tanong niya. Tumango ako at ginulo ang buhok ko. "I don't even remember getting married. You think this is a mistake? Should I sue the government?" tanong ko. Umiling siya. "You can't. You clearly signed your marriage certificate." She said. Sinabunutan ko ang sarili ko. "Oh my god, my parents would kill me." I whispered. Hindi pa rin nagsasalita si Lily. Nanatili lang siyang nakatingin sa papel. Parang may iniisip. I sipped on my coffee. "Lily!" I screamed. Tumingin naman siya sa akin. "The date... it was the night after our college graduation." She said. Kinuha ko at tiningnan. Oo nga. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig upon my realization. Lily was the same, too. Pareho naming hinawakan ang mga bibig namin. That night we were clubbing here in London as a celebration. Does that mean? "Do you think we went out and I married someone?" I asked her. Umiling siya at kinuha ang cellphone niya. "I don't think so..." She said and pointed out the name of my husband, "Hudson Fajardo? I think that name sounds familiar to me." She dialled and talked to someone. "Dean, I will send you something. Can you look for this person please?" tanong niya. Naghintay kami. Magaling si Dean at sa tuwing may ipapahanap kami na tao sa kaniya ay nakikita niya agad. I was fidgeting the whole time. This is a big problem. Knowing Cameron, he will feel cheated. Kaya kailangan kong maayos ang gusot na ito. I need to just divorce him and everything would be better. Right? May tumawag kay Lily. She put it in a loudspeaker. "I sent you a picture, Lily. He's an attorney and he graduated from University of Oxford. He's a filipino just like you guys. He's quite popular, too. He's smart." ani Dean. He even sent us a link of his social media. "How about an address? Can you give me his address?" I asked. Tumahimik ang linya. "I asked Rodney already. He knew him and he said that he has an apartment in Oxford but he's not staying there for years now." I was impatient. I just want his location so we could divorce. "Where is he staying right now? London? Wales? Cambridge?" I asked. "Uhhh. no." Dean said, "In Manila." Nalaglag ang panga ko. Manila? "In the Philippines?" I shrieked. Matapos ang tawag, parang wala na akong lakas. Lily stalked him on social media. He's an oustanding attorney, single and so many cases that he won. She showed me a picture. He's too good looking but he looked stiff. Lifeless, at the most of his pictures online. "What would you do now?" Lily asked me. I swallowed. I had no choice. I need to fix the mess. Lily scrolled to our pictures from five years ago and saw him on the background. He and his friends were sitting a table away from us. Maybe we were too drunk and got married? "I am going back to the Philippines and divorce him." I answered. Iyon ang nangyari. Tumigil ang taxi sa isang malaking bahay. Nag-doorbell ako at binuksan iyon ng isang guard. "Sino po sila?" tanong niya. I swallowed. "Hello, my name is Kaia Luna. Can I talk to Atty. ,Hudson?" I asked. Umiling ang guard sa akin. "Naku, kakaalis lang po ni Sir eh. Kliyente niya po ba kayo? Sa opisina na lang po kayo pumunta." sabi nito. Kumunot ang noo ko. I was so dam tired and jet lagged. But I want to finish this as soon as possible, bago pa ako ma-trace ng mga magulang ko or makita man lang ng family ni daddy. I would do everything so I could go back to UK in no time. Kinuha ko ang address ng opisina. I was dozing off inside the taxi. The driver even had to wake me up. Sa isang mataas na building ako dinala. I went to the receptionist. Even though I asked her about what I need, ay hindi pa niya ako pinahintulutan na pumunta sa opisina. Aniya, wala ako sa schedule ng amo niya. The heck I care! He looked like a busy person. Wala akong choice kung hindi ang umupo sa lobby at hintayin ang pagbabalik niya. He's at the court pa raw for a hearing. Nakatulog ako sa sofa. Nagising na lang ako sa biglaang pag-ingay. I saw him and a group of men followed by the media. Napaupo ako nang maayos at pinagmasdan siya. Wow, mas guwapo pala siya sa personal. I blinked to take in his built, his face. I heard him say a few words to the media. They were congratulating him about winning his case. Matapos iyon, some of his men forced the media to go out of the lobby. "Ikaw, sumama ka rin. Media ka 'no?" tanong ng isang guard sa akin. I rolled my eyes. "Do. I look like a freaking media to you? No, I am not." I said at tumayo na. Hinila ko ang maleta para sundan si Hudson na naghihintay na sa elevator pero hinarang ako ng mga tauhan niya. "Ano ba? Let me go through! Kailangan ko siyang makausap!" sigaw ko pero nagmamatigas sila. I pushed them but they would not budge. I fell on the ground. "Aray! I will file a case!" paninindak ko. Napatingin si Hudson sa amin. Tamad niya akong nilapitan. Tumingin ang mga security and I heard them saying na 'media' ako. I rolled my eyes. "Hindi nga ako, media! I just need to talk to him!" I said and pointed at Hudson. Kumunot ang noo ni Hudson. Tumayo ako at pinagpagan ang sarili. They tried to protect Hudson, pero tinaas nito ang kamay niya to signal them na siya na ang bahala. "What do you want?" tanong niya. Galit ang boses niya at niluwagan niya ang kaniyang necktie. I saw how his jaw clenched. Nainis ako roon, why do it feels like ako pa ang nang-aagrabyado? "We need to talk. In private." I said. Tumawa siya na nakakainsulto. He tilted his head like he was amazed by me. "No. I do not have time to waste. I have a client waiting for me inside my office. I am quite busy, Miss. Just tell me who you are and what the hell do you need?" He asked coldly. I look at all the people watching us. Gusto mo talaga rito ha? Pagbibigyan kita. I smiled sweetly and got the envelope from my bag. I saw him look at it. I showed the paper inside and confidently said, "I am your legal wife and I am here to get my divorce."