My Italian Heart

Chapter Eighteen

I knew I had made a mistake that night as soon as I had said it. I had been working myself up about it for days, then at that moment it just came out. Seeing her laid there on the bed beside me, glowing and full of life, it filled me with guilt. It was all so ridiculous, but it didn’t change the facts. For Aurora, a relationship only led to one place, and it was a place I had already been and not one I could go to again.

It wasn’t like I was against marriage. My mind had been playing over what our future could look like and, in an ideal world, that’s where it would have been heading. Except we weren't in an ideal world.

I knew Bradford was hurting Cora; I knew he was controlling her. It was the only possible explanation for her shutting Emily out. I had seen what he had considered acceptable behaviour to my daughter and in public, no less. In private, with someone he considered his property, it would only be worse. The idea of him laying a finger on her filled me with rage.

I would never forgive Cora for what she did and with Bradford, of all people, but no one deserved to be treated that way. She was Emily’s mother, and that was an unbreakable link between us. If only for Emily’s sake, I had to be there to help her when she asked. I hoped she would come to me when she was ready. The one thing I knew was that if I divorced her, she would never turn to me or Emily, no matter how bad things got.

I was stuck in limbo, waiting, and I couldn’t ask Aurora to wait with me. It was unfair to expect her to understand why I had to choose that link with my wife over that link with her. I wasn’t even sure I really understood it. I just knew it was my duty.

Even if Aurora and her highly religious family could get past us having a relationship without marriage ever being on the cards, there was nothing more I could give her. I could have had the snip reversed, but I was already becoming an old man, even if I didn’t feel like it. Another child at my time of life would be a nightmare. There was a good chance I could die before the child even reached adulthood. I couldn’t do that to Aurora or a child.

Then there was Em to consider. I had hoped she would take the news of our relationship well, but did that extend to that sort of seriousness? I doubted it. It was a lot for me to get my head around without expecting Emily to manage it.

I just felt like I would be holding Aurora back. Selfishly keeping her for myself when I knew she would be better off without me.

Then the words were out of my mouth before I had even had time to consider the implications. Then I had been sitting in the office and came head first into the implications. The idea of her even talking to another man had made me want to scream, but then to find out she had dates with not one but two men. It had taken me by surprise and I hadn’t acted well under the circumstances. After all, it was nothing to do with me who she dated. I had seen to that when I had opened my big mouth.

It wasn’t even like I regretted saying the words, but I handled it so badly. I just didn’t seem to have my usual finesse around Aurora. She made me lose my mind and not always in a good way.

Part of me had hoped that she would argue with me about it. That she would have been so vehement in her need for me and not the rest of it that I would be able to believe her. When she had practically run out of the door wearing nothing but my shirt, I realised my mistake. I realised the pain I had caused, and that was something I never wanted to do, especially to her.

I had hoped to backtrack at least a little the next day, but she was so combative and it took me by surprise. Aurora was one of the most logical, level-headed people I knew, but she wasn’t acting at all like herself. Her behaviour only shamed me more. I certainly didn’t blame her for it. It was me. She was like a wounded animal, lashing out every time I tried to approach her.

I just wanted to take it all back and be selfish. To keep her for myself and f**k the consequences.

Instead, she had already turned to another.

I stayed outside the warehouse for a while, just kicking at the gravel in my black Italian leather shoes. They used to be my pride and joy. Obsessively trying not to scuff them and polishing them within an inch of their life each weekend. Now, nothing mattered anymore. They were just stupid shoes.

I had been so preoccupied, I didn’t notice Em approaching. “You OK?”

“Fine.”

“OK. You don’t seem fine.”

“I’m fine.”

“f*****g hell, you and Aurora make a right pair.” For a second I thought she knew and then I realised what she meant. Stopping my stupidity immediately and trying to salvage the situation before she did really figure it out.

“I’m just tired. It’s much hotter here than I’m used to, even in the winter. I couldn’t sleep last night because the heat seemed to be pulsating through the room.”

“You should have tried sharing a bed with Aurora.” I was just taking a sip of my coffee as she spoke and managed to spit it out all over the place before choking on the bit I had managed to swallow. Emily looked at me like I was some sort of alien. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yep. Too hot. Burnt my mouth.” The coffee was stone cold, but she didn’t need to know that. “I’m going to head back to the flat and get some sleep.”

“Do you want me to tell Aurora?”

“No, she won’t miss me, anyway.” The words stung as they left my mouth. Clearly, she wasn’t missing me at all. She seemed completely fine with the situation, other than when she was breathing fire in my direction. As I climbed into the car, I thought back to her, telling me to go back to England. That really hurt. I hid it well, but it broke something inside of me. I couldn’t help but wonder if she was right. If I went back to England, it might be for the best.

The drive back to the flat helped. I turned the volume up on the stereo as loud as it would go and just lost myself in the music. Paying nowhere near enough attention to the road. Hitting more than one pot hole as I went because I wasn’t looking where I was going. She just seemed to plague my mind constantly. Replaying it all in my head over and over and trying to work out where I went so wrong.

As I pulled up to the flat, I left the car in the driveway. Getting a few odd looks from a couple of busy bodies on the street because of the music. I smiled back at them, even though I wanted to tell them where to get off. Not that it would have mattered. It’s not like they would have understood a word I said. Slamming the car door, then the flat door. I reached up to the top cabinet in the kitchen and plucked the whiskey bottle and a glass from it before slamming that door, too.

I headed for the bedroom, foolishly. Remembering a second too late what would face me there. I hadn’t touched it since she left that night, instead sleeping on the sofa. It was stupid and pathetic, but I just couldn’t face the c*****e in there. Her clothes still lay abandoned on the floor, the bed still in disarray. I turned abruptly and headed for the sofa.

Pouring myself more than an acceptable measure of whiskey into my glass and tossing the bottle aside. I was happily going to drink myself into oblivion just so I wouldn’t have to think of her any longer. It was stupid. We were both in pain over my actions, so what was the point? I wasn’t sure there was any point. Protecting her had been my objective, but all I had accomplished was to hurt us both. On that thought, I threw the glass back and downed the smoky liquid in one. Grabbing the bottle and doing it all over again. Hopefully, the liquor would actually mean I managed to sleep. I needed to be put out of my misery for a little while at least, not that I deserved it.