Chapter 1: Fathers and Sons-3
1036 Words
It was New Year’s Eve. Brad and I were in the family room with the dogs enjoying the glow of Claudia, our anthropomorphized Christmas tree. Being a veterinarian, Andy was gone, as he often was, on an emergency call. Why couldn’t these horses get their injuries on weekdays?
“Mr. B—uh, I mean, Dad?”
I smiled. Brad only recently had seemed to feel comfortable enough to begin using that appellation for Andy and me. It had caused some confusion at first. One time after we’d finished breakfast, Brad had gotten up from the table, taken his dishes to the sink and started out of the room. Then he stopped and turned back. “Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. Dad?”
“Yes?” Andy and I answered at the same time.
“Oh, I was talking to Dr. B.,” Brad said.
“Seems we have a bit of a problem here.” Andy laughed.
Brad chuckled, too. “Well, I could point at the dad I’m talking to.”
We all laughed again.
“No,” I said. “How about calling me ‘Dad,’ and Andy, ‘Daddy?’” Then I remembered that was what Meg called me. “Or what about ‘Pops’?’”
That suggestion resulted in, Are you kidding me?, stares from them both.
“Um, I don’t think so,” was Brad’s assessment.
“Thank you, Brad,” Andy chimed in. “How about ‘Papa’? He could call you ‘Papa.’”
I guess my raised eyebrow gave him the clue as to how I felt about that.
“What?” he said.
“‘Papa is what I called my grandfather,” I replied.
“You are a grandfather,” he returned.
“Yes, but…but—” I couldn’t explain how hearing that name coming from a kid as old as Brad tweaked my vanity about my age. “Anyway, I’m not Brad’s grandfather.”
“Okay,” Andy said, “let’s think.”
The suggestions of ‘Father,’ ‘Pa,’ ‘Paw’ and ‘Padre’ were thrown out. Each was rejected for various reasons: ‘Father,’ too formal; ‘Pa,’ not formal enough; ‘Paw,’ too Little House on the Prairie; ‘Padre,’ too hard to remember.
In the end we agreed on both of us being ‘Dad’ and if there were any confusion, Brad would straighten it out by using our names.
“Dad,” Brad said again, nodding in Andy’s direction.
I smiled.
“I volunteered you to come in to talk to my AP biology class about evolution in horses. We’re studying the theory of natural selection. Is that okay?”
“Sure. I’ll check my schedule, son, and see what day would work.”
“Great, Dad. You’re the best.” Brad turned to me and winked. “You too, Pops.”
I tried to swat his butt as he leapt out of the way.
Returning to the present conversation, I said, “Yes, Brad, what’s on your mind?”
“Could I ask you something?”
“Of course, anything. But aren’t you going to Jenny’s New Year’s Eve Party?” Jenny was Brad’s girlfriend.
“Uh, yeah, but I wanted to talk to you.”
“What’s on your mind, son?” I felt a surge of happiness calling Brad that. He had truly become our son, Andy’s and mine.
Brad studied his hands, then rubbed Annie’s neck as the German shepherd snuggled against him. Finally he said with a definite note of concern in his voice, “Why did Norman think I was gay?”
Oh, boy!
I thought for a minute and then said, “I don’t really know, Brad. Maybe he assumed because you’re living with us. Maybe it’s just because he’s a funny old man.” I chuckled. I was glad Brad did, too.
“How do you know you are gay? I mean when do you know?”
“Wow, those are tough questions. I don’t know if I have all the answers. I can tell you what my experience was, but it’s different for everyone.”
“Would you? I mean, I don’t want you to feel you have to…but I really want to know.”
“Well, I was just a kid when I knew there was something different in the way I felt about boys. I wanted them to be my brothers. I had none of my own. I had fantasies about being kidnapped with them, being tied up together and having to help each other to escape. Sometimes I pretended we were freezing, and we had to keep each other warm by huddling together. As the years went on the fantasies became more and more sexual.” I didn’t want to go into the details of this. As it was I could feel I was blushing. I was glad it was masked by the soft light emanating from Claudia. “After a while I found a label to put on these desires.”
“But you got married?”
“Yeah, I did. You have to keep in mind I grew up a long time ago.” Longer than I care to remember. “It wasn’t cool to be gay. It isn’t always easy for gay men now but back then it was much worse. I didn’t feel I had any choice. I was afraid that if I stayed single, I would be found out. I figured getting married was the only path I could follow—that or become a priest. I thought about priesthood because it didn’t arouse suspicion of not being married. I had a secret boyfriend in high school. We loved each other very much but in the end we both married. I was his best man and he was mine. It was the only way we felt safe from discovery. Back then if people knew you were gay there could be serious consequences.”
I studied Brad’s face. He was concentrating on all I said with knitted brows.
I figured I needed to push this a bit farther. “Why do you want to know?”
Brad didn’t reply at first. Then he ignored my question and asked one of his own. “Don’t you feel anything for girls?”
“Well, I appreciate a beautiful woman.”
“You had kids?”
“Yes, I did. Sexuality isn’t that black and white. s*x in itself is good. It is an inborn need. How it’s expressed varies. I can feel sexually attracted to women, I can have s*x with them, but deep down I know I prefer men. Does this make any sense to you?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Working out your s****l orientation can be a scary thing. My best advice is for you not to get too uptight about it.” I took a deep breath, and took the plunge. “Do you think you might be gay?”
“Uh, no, I was just wondering.”
I didn’t believe him.
Just then Andy came in. The dogs leapt up and ran to greet him, Annie much more slowly than Jake. Brad said he’d better get going. He and Andy gave each other a Happy New Year hug before he left.
When we were alone, Andy took me in his arms. “Happy New Year, David.”
“Happy New Year, Babe.”
“Babe?” Andy said, a screwed up look on his face.
“What? I always call you Babe.”
“No, you don’t,” Andy shook his head and laughed.
“Well, I always wanted to.” I poked him in the ribs.
“You can call me anything you want as long as you love me.”
We kissed.
“Uh,” Andy continued, “do you think we will have enough privacy to, um—”
“Reenact our first New Year’s on the floor by the tree?”
“Yeah,…Babe.” He winked.
“Ubetchim.”
- Writer
