Loved But Broken

Sometimes we need to take a step back and just look at the journey we are on from the sidelines. It was the year twenty-eighteen, the cold breeze whipped through my long golden hair, my loose summer dress covering my bump was the wrong attire for a typical day of unpredictable Melbourne weather. It was a nice summer morning when I left the house this morning. Quite often looking from the outside in can give you a new perspective one you never seen before. At the crossroads of my latest destination was where I was able to see my life from another view and this is how my story really began or is it? You can decide. There was no once upon a time or happily ever after well at least that's what I was always led to believe. Sometimes life just isn’t a fairytale. I'll let you be the judge of that. Deep in thought my memories took me back in time to when life was plain and simple. Still young innocent a whole life ahead of me, eyes that have been melded into my mind for almost seventeen years. A life that I believed was mine before everything changed. Wondering if choices made years ago were the right ones. People laughing around me, drifting off into the memories buried a lifetime ago thinking back to the first time and that one day that has shaped my entire future and changed me in more ways than one. To become a better person, it was the one person’s voice in my mind that didn’t belong to me. His voice. A voice of wisdom, sadness and loss. Golden eyes flashing in my mind. Taking me back to time standing still. Would I ever see those eyes again, feel the warmth of those arms around me, the sweet tender voice whispering in my ear? Closing my eyes drinking in the sounds of the rosellas’, magpies and other wildlife around me. My thoughts drifted back to the year two thousand and four. Those golden eyes looked at me from across the room, butterflies in my stomach began to make me dizzy. ‘Is this what it feels like to find love at first sight,’ I began to wonder. Surely it wasn’t this simple. Over the next few weeks those eyes invaded my dreams and my everyday life. One day he turned up at my parents’ house. He was older than I was and my dad was friends with this guy. His hair was slightly tussled his eyes glistened in the sun shining behind him. ‘Sophie, Sophie, Sophie Louise!’ Dad yelled snapping me from my deja vu, “Who’s at the door?’ “It's your friend dad.’ I yelled back down the obnoxiously long hallway. Dad came up to the door to greet him. ‘Come in, William.’ Dad politely invited him. ‘Louise, we have company chuck the kettle on love would you!’ Dad bellowed out to mum. Mum was out the back being the perfect housewife hanging the latest laundry out before it got too late in the day. ‘In a minute Hun I'm almost done out here. Get Sophie to do it if she isn't busy.’ Mum called in her sweet voice back. I casually headed to our kitchen through the maze of doors and hallways in our old weatherboard home. Flicking the delicate switch of our silver kettle I waited patiently for the kettle to boil. Placing four porcelain coffee mugs on the stone top bench I proceeded to make the coffee. A short while later William joined me in the kitchen. ‘Hi how do you have your coffee?’ I asked politely. ‘One lump or two, white or black?’ ‘Standard would you like some help?’ William asked. ‘No, it's all good, you can go back to Dad and I will bring them in when they're ready.’ William left and headed back to dad. After I was finished with the coffees Mum came into the kitchen to help take the mugs into the sitting room. ‘Sophie,” she began ‘do you have any homework you need to do?’ ‘Yes, mum I was about to start it.’ I was in the eighth grade at school and my grades were steady I was working on my latest assignment of sonnets set by our English teacher. I was stuck on what to write though. William was all I could think about. I just couldn't get those golden eyes out of my head. Every time I began to write my sonnet I would stop and think of him. His tanned body, muscly arms, his slight smile whenever I entered a room. My assignment was a distraction and I had only a week to finish it. Over the next few days, I got to working on my assignment William became my muse in a way and the week before my assignment was due, he called back into our house. I began to wonder just why he was sticking around more. Then it happened he had nowhere to go so Dad being the type of guy he is offered him a room to stay in. Our beautiful pink weatherboard home consisted of six bedrooms some say it was an old hostel. We never knew the history of the house when Mum and dad decided to buy it. All we were told was it was an old house. Needs a lot of work. Sitting in my room I had my music blaring like usual Shannon Noll What About Me was currently on repeat, it was the only way I could get any homework done without being disturbed by Mark, my younger brother. Even mum and dad knew not to disturb me if I had music going. Which I’m thankful for. I preferred my own space and was so excited when we finally got this place. Moving day was so busy. I could not believe the number of boxes and bags that were packed of just my things. You’d think a teenage girl wouldn’t have a lot but no I had more than enough clothes, and books that a small army would never go cold or die in the heat from too many layers. Mum even had to invest in a few more cupboards and wardrobes for me. Dad is forever telling me to start throwing stuff out for the local charity. I just haven’t had the heart to part with anything. Especially the things I’ve kept because they belonged to Nan. One of these days I will part with them, just not right now. So, I’m currently laying on my bed thinking of what to write for this sonnet assignment. How do you write a love poem if you’ve never been in love before? This assignment was going to be hard. As the night dragged on, I looked at my page in front of me all I had written so far was has to be twelve lines every line had to rhyme, except the last two. Why did Mrs Landon have to set this task for us? Why did William have this effect on me too. Closing my book, I decided I would try again tomorrow. I had no idea where to start with this poem. To be honest I’m not very great with my lessons. I can listen to a lecture and get what’s being said but then go to work on it and completely forget. Thank goodness its Friday night. No school tomorrow. Hopefully it’s a nice day for swimming and mum and dad let me go. It does get repetitive being in these four walls. The smell of steak cooking wafted into my room, turning off my music player, I got up and ventured out of my room. “There you are Sophie; dinner should be ready soon just waiting on the vegies to cook properly.” Mum said to me as I popped my head out of my room. “Smells amazing ma can’t wait I’m starving.” Dinner was amazing we all sat around our large dining table digging into our meal. Mum and dad at the head, Mark sat across from me and William sat beside me. Halfway through our meal I had to excuse myself. The way my body was reacting just having William near me had me wondering why I was feeling this way I tried to push the feeling away and headed back to my room. It was going to be long night. I opened my books again staring at my notes on my poetry assignment. I had all these ideas in my head but couldn’t seem to unjumble them. Love what is love. There are so many different kinds. Family love, friends, then theirs finding your soulmate kind of love. I couldn’t shake the butterflies that were flying around my stomach every time I was near him. Even at dinner just now reaching for the vegies our hands brushed and all I could feel were sparks. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about William like this but I couldn’t help it. Love is like a dove; it hits you from above. I write down in my book. I had to get this in to Mrs Landon next week. That night I tossed and turned in my bed and couldn’t get a decent sleep. The heat in the house didn’t help. Summer nights are horrible in this area. Forty plus in the day and still thirty something overnight. Hopefully when mum and dad start the renovations on this place, they add more cooling systems. I got up around three in the morning to turn the fan on. Mum was going to hate the electricity bill when it comes in. Finally, after hours of trying to sleep I crashed. I wondered if it was more than the heat keeping me up most of the night or trying to figure out why I was feeling this way about our new house guest. Waking up Saturday morning was so hard. I just wanted to sleep it was lunch time before I finally wandered out of my room. William was in the main lounge room those butterflies were at it again. There’s no way I’m falling for someone his age. I mean yeah age is just a number but I’m almost fifteen and his twenty-four. I felt this pull towards him though. In the back of my mind a voice is saying he is your soulmate chick. Go for it. Then there’s the other voice saying no don’t get involved heartbreak is what he is. I was fighting with myself. I glanced at him and he was looking up at me, like fireworks were coming from his eyes. I’m sure my eyes and expression were coming off the same way. I smiled at him, continuing into the room sat on the opposite couch to him. Wonder where mum and dad are. It’s quiet. Even Mark wasn’t around unusual for a Saturday morning. “Hi, have you seen my rents and brother?” I asked him shyly, trying to hide the shakiness in my voice my whole body felt like it was on fire. I wanted to feel his lips on mine, his arms around me. I wasn’t a virgin anymore I’d been assaulted when I was ten from someone who was meant to be family. I’ve never told anyone what cousin Derek did to me after nan died. Honestly, I’m ashamed of myself for not being strong. When he comes around, I hide out at friends’ places from school so I don’t have to see him. He thinks I’ve forgotten what he did too me. I haven’t and never will. Mum never questions why I don’t want to be around him. She just lets me go and hang out with my girls on their family farms. I love going to one girlfriends’ place we get to ride horses all weekend. I have a natural talent when it comes to equestrian.