On My Own

At 24 years old I have craved and dreamt of taking my art further than anyone ever expected of me. But as a woman being born and raised in this small town.. that's easier said than done. For as long as I can remember my whole family has fought against anything I have done with art because it doesn't have to do with the family business. It doesn't matter how many trophies I have won or the money I have earned by selling them and teaching it... It will never be good enough because it's not the cookie-cutter version of the life they want me to live. I have told my family countless times the passion and love I feel for everything I do, which is a lot of types of art, and yet they still won't get the idea through their heads that this is what I am going to do whether they like it or not. I'm going to do art until the day that I die. Who knows if I will make any real money from it... But I could care less because that's not why I do it. I do any type of art because I love it, it's the only thing in this world that calms me down and makes me get lost in the feelings of my emotions that I have never had except while doing that. Being carried away from the world I hate to a world I love... Nothing else in this whole wide world can compare to how that moment makes me feel. I have always wanted to get away from every part of my life, hence why I ran into the hypothetical arms of my art to escape this reality even if it's for a moment. I have been applying to different schools for the last couple of years at least, unbeknownst to anyone except my best friend, everyone else will object or judge but not her thankfully. She is the only one in this whole town who never judged my art and even helped me get started by buying some of it. Which is more than I can say about my family neither of my older brothers have liked anything I do and that goes for my father as well but my mother is slightly more supportive of my love for art. My two twin brothers are as muscular and good-looking as they come especially for farmers but as dumb as doornails. So they both easily picked up the family farming daily routine. Mostly because they can use their muscles to get them through this type of lifestyle with the automatic job and place available to them... Making life almost easy for them. They also never had any other aspirations in life so no motivation to go elsewhere from this place. They hate the fact that I won't get into the farming routine with them and the family.. they feel like I'm just abandoning them out of embarrassment or something... But they just don't care to know the actual reason which is why we don't have a good relationship or at least part of the reason why... So I just do my initial chores when I'm at home to help out.. then I'm out of the house to work on more of my art or go to my actual job. I free-range my art because I love to try new things and I keep discovering what I like and don't like. This helps me figure out what I don't know how to do and also what I want to change for my art styles and how I do things differently making me an individual artist, in this world that is filled with individuality. Anytime I'm stressed I just do what I want to do at that moment, which normally means painting or dancing but I will try loads of new art types and even combine a few. Some styles work well together and some don't.. you never know until you try. That's how I feel when bringing my ideas to my family... some combinations don't work. My mom is the only remotely supportive family member... She doesn't agree with it at all.. but she doesn't try to stop me either and she accepts my art gifts with open arms, displaying them around the house as she has always done for me since the ripe age of 3. She is proud of the art I make because she knows the time and effort I put into each masterpiece I put together.. but she just assumes it's a waste of time because she thinks I could be putting that time and effort into the farm or another business where I marry into. In these small towns for women, it's easiest and supposedly best, to get married at a younger age and be the stay-at-home wife raising the kids and cooking the food. I'm not that kind of woman though that's not the life I want. I don't have a problem with getting married or being the cook or anything, but being forced to stay home and not be allowed to work or leave and just be a baby machine and a personal chef isn't my idea of a fulfilling life and definitely not what I want. My father on the other hand is a stern hardworking man who is as stubborn as they come, so of course, who else would I get that type of personality from? That's what makes things harder because we are almost exactly alike in personalities but we have different passions. So we butt heads a lot making our personalities always collide. My mother somehow convinced my father that I can never make it on my own, no matter how hard I tried to prove that notion otherwise. So now he is just as adamant as she is about me getting married, they insist I marry my ex who is rich and my high school sweetheart but also an abusive cheater. He keeps trying to come back for me and into my life by asking me to marry him a couple of dozen times. I haven't given in to the terrorist's demands because I can't help but feel like part of the reason for the proposals are because of my family. No one in this town believes me when I tell them about the man I saw behind closed doors because he is our small-town All-Star with his family owning most of the town. But I don't want that lifestyle because I love myself more than that, So I don't make myself stay with an abusive man who obviously doesn't love me. I don't want him anymore anyways, hence why I broke up with him and moved back home while turning down his plenty of random and not very well thought out proposals. I have helped out a little bit at home but mostly the bare minimum. I have been looking for my way out of this town and as far away from everyone as possible, for a long time and if I ever get the chance to leave, I'm taking it and probably never looking back. I drive slowly over the long bumpy road. I come closer to the turn that takes us to our family driveway. I stop getting out and checking the mailbox like I do every single day in hopes of finally getting my pass out of this tiny country hell.. at least for myself. Being a wannabe artist in a small-minded country town makes expanding from the small-town life almost impossible.. but not completely impossible. But I'm determined to not get stuck here no matter how much my parents push that idea upon me. I have spent the last 5 years listening to all the reasons why I shouldn't leave our stable home.. and all of it just goes in one ear and out the other. They won't listen to what I want to do with my life, so I won't listen to theirs. Don't get me wrong I have listened to every single reason in the book, but I'm just not going to give into those reasons or let those reasons stop me..or even intimidate me, deterring me from my goal. I open the little door and reach into the basic metal can of a mailbox to feel with my fingertips the edge of some envelopes. I grab them quickly pulling the letters out as I reach in again making sure I got all the mail out. It's dark so I can't see what they are or who they are for. So I climb back into my driver's seat turning on the light in the middle, above me, to take a look. It's 3 letters from 3 different art schools... This is it, here we go again.. my heart races so quickly in anticipation over the realization I could get accepted or denied in this very moment. I take the first one in my hand as I slip my finger in between the letter and seal ripping it open swiftly but as carefully as possible in hopes of not tearing the message inside. I take the letter out, opening it as I trace my finger over the first sentence skimming across the words quickly as I read to myself, 'we regret to inform you'. I groan and throw the letter to the side. Then grab the next one that's laying on my lap. I make the same motions opening this letter just as quickly and carefully as with the first letter. I take my finger skimming the words quickly once again reading to myself the words I don't want to see, 'we regret to inform you'.. I let out an even louder huff as I cross my arms over my chest, for a moment soaking in the double rejection and mentally preparing myself for the third. I slowly grab the last letter and hold it for a moment until I open it way too slowly for my liking. With half intention of not opening it at all, because I'm getting tired of all the rejection. But I open it anyways almost reluctantly. I slowly pull the letter out, taking a deep breath in and than letting it out as I unfold the letter and skim over the words. My heart drops into my stomach.. not in hate or sadness for once... but with shock and awe at what's to come in my life when I read the words. "We are pleased to inform you..' I press the letter to my chest holding it tight as I scream in excitement, stomping my feet up and down by the pedals, so many times as if it's a fast-moving dance. The car is the perfect place to let my excitement run free, making sure no one can hear it but I can enjoy it for a solitary but happy moment. I check the words again making sure I'm not imagining things as I feel my heart start to slowly calm down at the thought of finally being able to leave. This school is in Oregon and I live in Colorado so this is perfect for moving to! It has similar weather and environment as Colorado which I love, but without it being in close proximity to my family... Not too close that I get caught back into the sticky web of small-town life, trapping me here forever. This is finally my chance to take the leap of faith I have been preparing for, for almost 5 years. I have been saving every last penny I can because my family doesn't know I'm working. They refused to let me work unless it was on the farm or with a new husband if he allowed it.. so I take care of my chores at home and then leave for my actual job as a bartender and server at this dive bar on the other end of town. This is the type of place I chose because I knew I would never run into my family in a place like that ever. So I just tell my family when I'm leaving the house, that I'm going to go to the art center to get my mind off of things and that's never a complete lie... I do go to the art center almost every single day... I just also go to my work too. I can't believe I got accepted... I take another nervous deep breath in and than let it out as I put my car into drive. Just to inch closer to the one place and people that's making my heart race in such anticipation. I'm driving down the rest of my family's driveway home and hopefully have the guts to tell them about my acceptance... I'm reluctant because I know it's not going to go well, but all I can do is hope for the best and that they won't hate me too much. Hopefully, they won't kill me after my 'good news'. But school doesn't start for a month so I'm getting out as soon as I can. I slow down the closer to the house I get, until I come to a complete stop right in front, putting my car into park. I sit in my car for a moment in complete silence to try to gather my nerves, thoughts, and any strength I have for this moment to come. I let a very nervous staggering breath out, as I open my door and take the little bit of enthusiasm I have for this conversation to get me up and out of the car. I fold the letter up putting it in my back pocket along with my phone in the other back pocket. I throw my keys into my jacket pocket as I slowly ascend the stairs feeling my legs get heavier and heavier making the steps harder to climb. I put my hand out and grab hold of the door knob with a death grip but I can't get myself to turn it. I can hear the dogs on the other side of the door squealing in excitement because they know it's me. I hear my father yelling across the house at the dogs to shut up with their squealing. So I open the door even more reluctantly, just so he won't come this way to stop the dogs from squealing more. I pet the big dogs for a moment saying hello to calm all of us down at the same time. I hear the sounds of metal hitting the porcelain plates with the extra sounds of mumbling and eating on the other side of the bottom floor of the house. They are currently eating dinner because I told my family to start dinner without me and that I would be there soon enough. I always tell them I get lost in the moments of art, which isn't a lie either, because I do always get lost in the moment. But I was working a long serving shift... If you have ever worked in the serving Industry, you would know that there is never a guaranteed time of getting out. You can sometimes get out early, or 'on time' but more often than not, you get out later than anyone expected. It was a busy night tonight and I didn't want them to have to wait for me so I told them to start without me. I turn the corner into the dining room as I gain the attention first of my twin big brothers who make eye contact with me and both instantly start glaring at me.. like usual. I quickly decide to match the glare of Matt and Mike. We have never really gotten along since we were all little.. because they have always teamed up on me no matter what the situation, since I can remember. So they will probably hate me together forever. My ex whom I tried to tell them about his abuse and cheating..is one of their best friends and they weren't having the 'blasphemy' I was relaying their way. So they stopped talking to me altogether after I told them everything that happen between me and their precious buddy. I can obviously tell who they believed in that drama-filled situation. I was so disappointed that my brothers didn't take my side I thought big brothers were supposed to believe you and protect you and they ditched me at the first sign of distress. What great brothers. My father doesn't even look up at me from his food because I have always been the disappointment in the family... The one that's different from the rest, the oddball or black sheep if you will. But my mother does look up locking her soft gaze with mine, as she gives me a small smile saying, "Hi honey I have a plate set up for you in the microwave to make sure it stayed warm and covered. I smile and nod but I'm frozen in place trying to figure out how to say this. How to tell them about my small to them, but meaningful to me, news. This action or I guess the lack of motion, makes my family all glance up at me with suspicion across every single one of their faces..questioning what I'm doing since they can tell something is going on with me. They continue to stare but none of them break the silence so I take a deep breath in and then let it out before I just let the words fall out of my mouth as if it's word vomit. "I got accepted.. into an Art Institute..in Oregon.." I stutter out so nervously but try to put some confidence behind the words to show them I'm happy about this news. I finally got accepted into an Art School, which is what I have been wanting since I can remember... I just want to have a career I love and have fun doing, so as of right now I just want to try to make a career out of my art. If I can't do that I want to learn as much as I can to learn and try as much as possible. You never know if you like something until you try it. My father's eyebrows scrunch together as he snaps back at me, "So? Oregon is too far away... there is no way I'm paying for you to be that far... Just for you to fail and come back with your tail between your legs. It's a waste of my time and money... there is nothing you could say to convince me otherwise." I groan instantly as I look at my brothers to see them grinning ear to ear with smug looks plastered on their faces. "Thanks for the vote of confidence with me dad.. means so much," I say with a sarcastically spiteful tone as my father and I lock into an intense staredown. This is what always happens.. we will have a different opinion on a certain subject, then each other..so we buttheads until someone gives in, and that someone is usually me... but not this time Pops!