Breakup
ELI
'Eli, let us break up'
That's how he broke the news to me... ungently.
I knew how busy he could get sometimes so it was me being the understanding girlfriend not to bother him at work. Sounds stupid, but that's how it had been for us until he took his time to deliver this one-liner breakup message without any pleasantries to make it less devastating. I knew somehow we fell apart but breaking up with a partner over a simple text was something a brave man would never do.
Every time I think about it, the events of that unhappy night would flash through my mind.
If I would take you back to that moment specifically, various emotions could be felt but never understood- anger, loneliness, shock, pity, disappointment- trust me, all these negative feelings rendered me still and catatonic until it hit me right where it hurt the most, the heart!
Unable to calm down myself, my hands were shaking and my lips trembled until the tears came running down my face and the profuse crying continued until there's nothing left to cry.
Here I thought that in those five years of being together, we were ready enough to start a new chapter in our lives but it never materialized. Deep inside, I hoped he'd fall on his one knee and asked me that question I'd been wishing to answer with a Yes. But never did it happen in my case.
So, where did I go wrong? Should have I known it better? There were red flags but I chose to ignore them. We would communicate but we never really had a hearty talk. We were never the same enthusiastic and deeply in love couple that we were.
I tried reaching out to him but He was not at all responding to any of my texts. What a jerk! Is this some kind of a dilemma I should solve on my own, a puzzle I need to figure out myself, or a challenge we could never win because he already quit before I knew it? All these questions with an obvious answer that my stubborn mind could never understand. Because I was hurt. It was my emotions taking over in those heartbreaking times.
Overthinking rendered me paralyzed as I tried to analyze what went wrong. Was I blindly in love that I became easily dispensable in his eyes? Maybe, he had laid his eyes on someone else already. Unfortunately, that someone wasn't me anymore. With these thoughts in mind, more tears started to well up in my eyes, and soon I was weeping helplessly. Burrowing all my sorrows in my already drenched pillows until I fell asleep.
The next day was no good as well...
I wake up from a dream to find out that the dream actually happened badly. My eyes were puffy from last night's crying. It was around three in the afternoon when I got out of bed. It did not take me a long time to prepare my food. In all honesty, I wasn't starving or perhaps, I lost all appetite despite skipping two meals in a row. A few minutes later, I was forcing myself to eat the food I made. It was bland, tasteless, and not so satisfying to the palate. The hell I cared about that anyway. I was praised for my cooking but today was one hell of a day, if not the worst. Afterward, I went back to my room and slumped myself on the bed as tears began to fall again.
It was a painful feeling I had to deal with myself as none of my closest friends knew about my breakup yet. Neither they would have any inkling of what was going on with me and Jake. All they saw were two perfectly in love couple who might one day tie the knot in front of their very eyes.
I heaved a sigh. There's no chance of that happening anymore as these two seemingly in love couple were now distant acquaintances to one another, most likely in his perspective, but not mine as I was still unwilling to accept that he left me for reasons I might have never known.
A few weeks passed since the breakup. I did not receive any message from him even from relatives when I inquired about him. Seriously, gone MIA? I was full of rage and hurt, at the same time pitying myself for continuously looking at his social media pages for updates or his whereabouts. So far no new posts nor updates were posted. Maybe he was also taking some time off for himself.
Every day after we broke up, I was consistent in texting him, demanding answers to my never-ending questions. I tried to remind him of all our good times together hoping for a second chance. I tried to bargain what I have and still could offer to make our relationship work again even if I felt like having the shorter end of the stick. Well, that did not bother me anymore for as long as he will reconsider coming back to me again. But all these labors did not prosper as he already kept mum on our issue. To him, probably, not having a closure is already the closure.
I refused to linger on such a thought but this heartache was torturing me over and over. How could I move forward if I kept looking back? How much time would I need to process my thoughts and accept that everything we shared had come to an end? He left me. Period. That thought alone was killing me like a sharp knife that cuts and pierces through and through my already tormented heart and soul.
To ease away the pain caused by being dumped, I deliberately buried myself at work. If this might be the only diversion I had. In the end, I couldn't really help but think how our sweet nothings turned into a bitter ending.
