Jane's way home

She stared at him, trying very hard to find a clue, something that would prove to her that Philip was joking, but she found none. “Please tell me the real reason you’ve been coming here frequently,” Jane asked Philip, “and please don’t tell me it’s because you love me.” “But, it’s because I love you” “Is it? You’re wrong, you know. I’m hard to love. No one ever loved me before. My Step Father pretended for a while, but as soon as my Mom died, he abused and sent me away” As a young adolescent, Jane was exuberant, full of life, vigor, and a sense of adventure. She had such high hopes and beautiful aspirations that adults admired her. She told people and very often too, that she would be rich and popular and take her mother -who was very ill at that time, to the best hospital in the world. She often spent her time fantasizing and dreaming of the beautiful life she would have with her mother. And so it was as though the earth lost its taste when her mother eventually gave in to the cold hands of death. She didn’t see the need to live anymore. She had revolved everything about her around her mother that it was very difficult to imagine living without her. Few weeks after the death of her Mother, as though the death was not enough blow on it’s own, her step father started sexually abusing her. When he feared she might expose him, she sent her away. Jane decided to stay with an Aunt but was also abused by her son -Jane’s cousin. When Jane reported the incident to her Aunt, she was accused of trying to seduce the young man and trying to destroy their family’s good name. And so, far away her aunt sent her too. However, this did not deter her from wishing to meet a man, not because she desired to fall in love with anyone in particular. But because she was afraid of being alone, and she believed that marriage and children would fill the emptiness she felt and provide her with the home she so desperately craved. She was looking for a partner who would take care of her and provide for her and her children. He was under no obligation to adore her. He merely needs to vow that he will never let go of her hand, just like everyone else has. When she first met Philip, she believed he was unique and different from the others and; he appeared to be polished and responsible. Despite her intense feelings for Philip, Jane was reluctant to enter into a relationship with him when he first approached her. There was something about Philip that she couldn't quite put her finger on, and it was something she couldn't figure out. However, the attraction that drew her in was more extensive than the power that drew her away from it. When she couldn't figure out what she was doubting, Jane reasoned that it was most likely her own mind playing tricks on her and that she should just trust her gut. This caused her to divert her attention away from whatever concerns she had about him and agree to his request. And because she was in love, or so she believed, they were married within a short time to begin their happily ever after. Jane had high hopes for their first year of marriage, but she was sadly disappointed. They were constantly arguing, fighting, and hurling furniture at one another. It was exhausting. During one of those confrontations, Jane suffered tooth loss. Because it was worse than the previous year, the second year made the last year appear to be fantastic. Everyone in their neighborhood had grown accustomed to seeing Jane's n***d body that year, for he would frequently pursue her down the street n***d. She was initially ashamed by it, but it became customary for her after a while. She cared little about what anyone thought. “I love you more than anyone else ever will; I'm sorry I did this. I am doing it because I want you to be better, and I want you to be better because I love you.” He would say this to her after every conflict, and she would believe him because she feared what would happen if she didn't. Consequently, in the third year, he became a drunkard. That same year, Jane became pregnant and felt that this might encourage him to cut down on his drinking -it did not. When Philip arrived home from work and the beer parlour one evening, he walked into the kitchen to get his dinner and discovered nothing for him to eat. Jane was unable to work because she had been vomiting for the whole of the morning. Upon entering Jane's room and noticing her sleeping, Philip immediately turned the bed over on her. She was three months pregnant at the time of the incident. When she tried to get away, he hauled her up and held her against the raised bed. “Whore.” She could feel the waves of rage he was emitting. “Have you forgotten how I picked you up when everyone rejected you? How you were thrown out by your family because of your p**********n?” At that moment it felt as though her world came crashing down. Philip had previously called her several abusive terms. Still, it was the first time he used the word "w***e," and it was also the first time he brought up the subject of her a***e history. Philip's actions worried her. Not because of the brutality he used against her, instead because of his method to win her back repeatedly. "I'm afraid of you," she said to him the following day before he left for work. He nodded his head and smiled. He constantly made her feel like he was doing her a huge favour by marrying her, and he had to be worshiped for doing so. And so, instead of leaving the marriage she forgave him, blaming the alcohol for his behavior and saying she didn’t want to raise her child without a father. The main reason for her not leaving was none of the things she said. It was because she was scared of being alone -again. That night, she had a miscarriage. Her friends begged her to leave the marriage, that maybe that was the Universe's way of bringing her to the right part. She refused. The fact that she could not leave him didn't make it any easier for her to remain trapped in the grasp of his terrible emotional and physical violence. She became very withdrawn and barely said more than three words at a time. When Philip noticed the loss of their baby was having a terrible effect on her, he suggested they go to counseling together. He was referred to a rehabilitation facility, and she could tell a change; he appeared to have regained his composure after a long period of drunkenness. Things were going relatively smoothly, at least in the overall picture. He stopped working, she was pregnant for the second time, and she was also attempting to master a new skill all at the same time. He didn't offer much assistance because he stated that his unhappiness and anxiety prevented him from working or providing for his family. They had a lot of disagreements about it -as expected. She needed him to be the man he promised to be and to take charge. That did not take place in any way. She was the only one providing for them. He was able to secure employment just a few weeks before the expected delivery of their child. She went into labor before her scheduled delivery time. When she arrived at the hospital, she discovered that her baby had died while still in her womb. She was devastated. She had been preoccupied with her work for so long that she had failed to notice that the baby had not moved for several days. A medical evacuation was performed on her. She came dangerously close to losing her life due to the procedure. Her eyes were no longer lit, and she felt resentful of what Philip had put her through. He wasn't there for her either; he was preoccupied with his difficulties at his new job and his terrible boss, and she felt utterly alone. Although the fighting and drinking had stopped, the emotional a***e had not. One night, she sat near her window and watched him drift off to sleep. She was conscious of the fact that she had turned into a shadow of herself. Despite the fact that they had been married for almost nine years, she had nothing to show for it. She reflected on how unfair life had been to her thus far in her journey. There is no happily ever after. There is no child. She had also lost her sense of self. She sobbed frantically, pleading with the Universe to explain why it had chosen to treat her in such a heinous manner. She stepped into the kitchen while Philip was still sleeping and got out her brand new knife from its packaging. This particular item had been purchased the day before at a local market. Jane reasoned that she would be better off dead , as she grasped the knife, because she was dissatisfied with the life she was leaving. And she sliced the vein in her wrist with such delicacy that she was completely unaware of what happened to her next. She was informed that she had been in the hospital for more than three months after regaining consciousness. Even though she had managed to survive the cut, she had been in a coma as a result of it. When she awoke, Philip was nowhere to be found. But even though the nurses informed her that he had been discovered dead in a gutter near his favorite beer saloon, they also informed her that he had never visited her at the hospital, even prior to his death. It was in that hospital that she met Doctor Jeremy, who seemed to take a particular interest in her and her situation. When she first set eyes on him, it was evident to her that there was something about him that pulled her in, to him. She yanked the thought out of her head as quickly as she could. She convinced herself that she was destined to be single and not in a relationship. She had only recently been granted another chance at life, and she would not waste it because of anyone or anything. She has decided to spend all of her time and efforts to better herself and become a better person in the future. As soon as his eyes fell upon Jane, Dr. Jeremy was head over heels in love with the woman. She had the appearance of Sleeping Beauty in Comatose, which was quite amusing. Even though he didn't know much about her, what he did know made her sound more like a Damsel in Distress, which he thought was more accurate. She had looked fragile and almost breakable, while in a coma. When Jane was released from the hospital, she had no money to cover her medical expenses, and the worst part was that she had nowhere to stay. It wasn't long before Philip passed away that his landlord ejected him from the house. Because Philip declined to pay his rent, they owed him the money. In addition to assisting her with the payment of her medical costs, Doctor Jeremy also offered her a place in his apartment for the duration of her recuperation while she figured out what she needed to do in the meantime. An offer she took happily because she really had nowhere else to go. Few months after staying in Doctor Jeremy’s house she felt she was strong enough to live her life. She found a Job as a secretary, planning on saving up to rent an apartment. Her education had been paused at that time. But Doctor Jeremy was helping her look for how she could continue. And even though Jane could see how different Jeremy was, she believed that he was the same as others. And no matter how good Jeremy tried to be, Jane had her heart locked up. And so it wasn’t surprising when she turned down his relationship proposal. And only succeeded in making her avoid him for some days. At every point in the process, Jeremy was however understanding of Jane's situation and gave her all the time she required. The sun was already shining brightly as Jane carried the lunch tray into Jeremy's room, and she realized that she would have to move quickly if she didn't want to be late to work. She caught a glimpse of him as he lay on his bed. He was beautiful, strong, and filled with a ray of sunlight-like brightness and warmth. He moved a little. “Awake?” she said in a whisper. “I thought you would still be sleeping so I can drop this here before heading to work”. “Well, I couldn’t sleep at all at night, the thought of you leaving today, didn’t allow me to sleep.” “But we are still friends Jay, I am only leaving your house. You can call me at any time.” “But what about my proposal? Don’t you like me at all?” Jane dropped the tray of food she had been carrying all these while on the table and moved closer to him. “I am scared. I think I must have loved you since the moment I saw you all those months ago. You took my breath away. All that charm and charisma.” She sat down on the bed with Doctor Jeremy and continued, “But that was the same way Philip appeared too, and I remember him anytime I look at you”. When she got to her workplace, she found a letter from Jeremy, addressed to her which read: “Dear Jane, I am writing to express my gratitude for the time you have taken to read this letter. In my own way, I've been hurt. My bride walked out on me at the altar and eloped with my closest friend, taking advantage of the last of the money I had on hand. I was broken. I had given up on love and made fun of others who were in love because I predicted their doom. Surprisingly, the first moment I laid eyes on you, I had the distinct impression that you were the person my soul had been longing for. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get rid of this overwhelming sensation. You confirmed to me that love is real and that it can last long after the initial euphoria has worn off. So this is my way of saying I'll wait for you. Take as much time as you need. I'll always be here for you, loving you and waiting for you to return home. Please respond to my proposal as soon as you believe you are ready to marry again.” Jane found it very difficult to concentrate at work after reading the letter, all she thought about was Jeremy. Jeremy was beyond perfect. Just like Phil, before his demon manifested. ‘What if she accepts Jay’s proposal and the same thing happens with him? “What if we get married and he changes’?'' She had asked Amaka, her colleague, that afternoon at their workplace. One of her colleagues, an older man, who they fondly referred to as ‘Papa’, and who they know for always contributing to discussions that have nothing to do with him, had told her something that afternoon. 'I am now 78 years old, Jane, yet I do not have a wife or children. My friends are traveling the world with their grandchildren, while I am here by myself." He brought a chair close to Jane and sat on it. "This is because I let fear prevent me from acting. In my younger days, I had a crush on a girl. A really attractive young lady, many men liked her, but I was the only one she enjoyed spending time with. I wanted to ask her out on numerous occasions, but I couldn't since she was too gorgeous for me. I thought she deserves someone better than me. I met her on the way to the city with her husband the day I finally decided to disregard the consequences and tell her how I genuinely felt about her. Apparently, she was waiting for me to say something, but the fear in my heart prevented me from doing so. 'It's been almost 45 years, but I'm still not over the pain I imposed on myself." ‘Don’t end up like me, do not allow the fear in your heart prevent you from getting what you truly deserve’ he said before entering his office. The next morning before heading to work, Jane knew she had to head to Jeremy’s office first. She knew he would not be around by that time for she secretly feared what her heart might do at the sight of him. So, she dropped a message for him with the receptionist. A very simple message which no one else apart from whom the message was intended would understand. She wrote ‘Yes,’ on a piece of paper and asked that it should be given to Doctor Jeremy. Jane was already home and trying to fix dinner for herself when she heard the sound of his car. She believes he must have received her message even though she is attempting to seem as if she was unaware he had entered the kitchen. His voice is close to a whisper, but it is loud enough for her to hear him say, "Jane, I received your message from my receptionist." She can't face him because she's too nervous, so she just nods. He was breathing against her back, and she could feel it. As he carefully rotates her, he holds her back with his hands. Do you think it's possible that's what I'm thinking, Jane?" She nods her head once more. "Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for this?" he inquires calmly. Still she says nothing, he brushes his mouth against the base of her hairline. "I was scared." He traces the line of her cheekbone. “I thought you would say No and I will have to..." The remainder of his words are jumbled as she reaches up and pulls him down to her. In the next moment, he gently kissed her on the lips, sending violent tremors down her nerves, eliciting from her sensations that she had never realized she was capable of feeling, before encircling and bringing her closer to him. It didn't take long for her to realize she was back home -to where her heart truly belonged, even before she was swept away by a surge of ecstasy that sent her spinning in circles.