Chapter 2-Hopeless
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I entered the room and the scene that was in front of me was devastating painful- I felt like the very core of my being was burning and dying a die by a thousand cuts over and over again.
Khadijah; my love, my life and my hope was lying lifeless and motionless. I couldn't believe that my wife was lying in this haggard condition—her face heavily bruised and bashed; her eyes completely hidden away in the black bruises and the swelling around her eye sockets. Her beautiful cheeks and clear skin was completely blemished with clots and cuts that just looking at her made me feel like throwing up but I managed to keep myself together. I clenched my hands into fists and drew the courage to walk to her side. More than half of her body was covered in white caste.
Oh Khadijah.
My sweet lovely Khadijah.
Now I regret every moment that I had called you an i***t or ever thought of you as useless. Now I realize that without you, I just can't find the will to live anymore.
I carefully lifted my hand and caressed the back of my finger's slowly on her left cheek that was bare. My chest got so tight that it was almost impossible for me to breath now.
"Her pulse weak," I heard a woman tell me. I raised my head and viewed the monitor that detected her heart beat. It was very slow and below normal.
"The doctors have put her on a ventilator as her right lung has collapsed. So we need to prep her for surgery." She informed me and forwarded a clip board to me.
"We need your consent." She said. I gazed at the papers blankly until I felt her light touch on my shoulder. I quietly took the pen and signed it.
"I'm sure that everything will be alright; we are doing the best that we can and leave the rest in God's hands." She said and tried to comfort me but her words were close to meaningless to me.
"Son, all you can do now is pray." She said and left.
Pray?
To whom?
Who would listen to me? Me, the notorious Shehzad Atish who was always up to mischief. Me who never feared any one and had nothing to lose. Me, who thought that I could have anything and everything that I want as long as I could set my mind on it and fight for it . . . . but why is it that I cannot fight fate?
Why didn't I see this coming?
I thought that I had nothing to lose but in a blink of an eye, I lost the most precious things that I ever ask for—I lost both the two shinning rays of light in my otherwise gloomy world.
After they had taken Khadijah to the operation theatre, I went to see Huria.
As I removed the blanket from her face; I couldn't help but break down in tears. The face that was once so cheerful and tranquil was now silent and inert.
A few drops of my tears fell on her pale cold face as I bent down to kiss her forehead. I took her carefully in my hands and clung her to my chest.
What happened to us all of a sudden Khadijah?
I sat on a nearby rocker and began to swing slowly as I hummed the lullaby that Khadijah had once played and closed my eyes, surrendering myself to the mercy of my peaceful memories.
"Shehzad, what do you think? Do you suppose that the baby will like it?" she asked as she finished playing her violin.
I smiled warmly at her and caught her by her waist.
"I don't know; you tell me?" I said. She narrowed her eyes meekly as the cute little dimple on her right cheek appeared. She is just so cute. I brushed my lips slowly against hers as my hands travelled on her belly. She chuckled against my lips as my fingers walked on her belly and caused her to tickle. Her belly button area was always a sensitive spot as the nape of her neck.
I quickly took her in my arms; despite being pregnant, I didn't feel any change in her weight as I took her to her armchair near the window where the sun light filtered the most and sat at her feet and wound my arms around her stomach.
I could sleep forever in that position; although I couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat but I could feel its warmth.
Khadijah softly caressed my hair and passed her fingers through it—it made me feel so at peace and a certain serenity shrouded my entire being. I still couldn't believe that I was about to become a father. I was very happy and I had never thought that I would feel this happiness again.
When had told me that she was pregnant, I felt two things—one was anger that why didn't she tell me sooner and the other was surprise; was I prepared to be a father—though I had wanted to be one so badly in order to fulfill my goal of getting the Chairman's position but strangely now that I am actually going to become a father, the feeling is completely overwhelming and now I feel kind of unprepared. I didn't anticipate it so soon but now that it has been done, I'm sort of intimidated. I want to give my child all that I could never have as a child—loving parents, a mother who would devote herself to the welfare of her children and a father who would always be there whenever his child would need him. I most certainly didn't want to end up becoming like my father who didn't care about his family at all and focus all of his energy on his work and career.
"Khadijah?" I murmured.
"Hmm, yes." She replied.
"I want to make a promise with you." I declared and straightened up. Her eyes glimmered with joy as I took her hands in mine.
"The baby is due any day now so I want to make this promise before the baby comes," I said.
"Boy, you sure look so serious about it." she joked. I frowned and she cleared her throat and nodded.
"I want to promise you that from now, you won't here any complaint from me. From now on, you and the bay will always come first." I pronounced fearlessly. A solemn look crept her features and she squeezed my hands.
"Shehzad, please don't make any promises that I know you won't be able to keep." She stated firmly with a hint of discontentment lacing her tone; I know why she feels the way she feels and I don't blame; I have caused her to suffer and get hurt so much all because she expected so much out me and I always disappointed her.
I squeezed her hands; the wedding band around her ring finger shone brilliantly in the sunlight.
"Yeah I know what you mean," I mumbled. "But still I'm very serious." I said and looked at her earnestly.
"Why? What about your goal?" she asked with disbelief.
I smiled. "I don't care now. What I have now is far more important than any goal or agenda." I said. in her eyes, the doubt lurked but she grinned none the less.
"I've decided to let my hate and thirst for revenge go so that we can live peacefully. As long as I cling to them, we won't be able to live in peace so from now onwards, I give up on anything that will endanger me or you or hurt our family. I have finally found a place for myself in this world again thanks to you and I don't ever want to give it up." I said.
"I will protect the two of you." I avowed. She touched my cheek and her soft brown eyes melted like chocolate.
And yet . . . . . I couldn't even keep that promise.
I opened my eyes and saw my daughter's face.
"I'm so sorry. Your father is so useless. I couldn't even protect you." I grumbled and broke into tears, my sobs quiet and hushed.
I lost my ray of hope and now. . . . I'm practically hopeless.
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