Her Tortured Bear

Summer afternoons are usually idealistic the way I see it. Boring, humid and the unbearable heat of the sickly sticking sweet and lonely for any kind of crimes you would want to commit. Not that I had yet any chance to commit one but, hey, come on a girl can hope right? Who would not want to find out the perfect candidate for their object of aggression and disgust and make a whack job out of him? It really is every high-school girl’s dream, only theirs is with candles and flowers and wine except mine was with lots of violence, helplessness and blood. The thought of the pungent smell of his blood splashed on the walls and ruining my mother’s favourite carpet was damn orgasmic. I would sometimes envision that he was right there, in his favourite pin-striped suit with the lavender shirt I had to gift him on his birthday and the tie that Cadence had given him and he was there, right in the middle of the room choking on his own gurgle of blood while I waited on him like he always wanted me to do. The only difference being that this would be the last time I would be doing this…waiting on him… “Mindyyyyyy……you back there?” came out Nina’s voice from the front. And there, just like that my beautiful rosy noon-dream went down the drain pipe which have installed in our vineyard so that it would let go off all the waters when the storm hit bad but for my good fortune this dream is the one I have and will always until I have a way to make this true. “Yeah…Nina….I am here…just sketching…why don’t you come down?” I called out in a loud voice knowing that she would never do that. She was eternally afraid of water bodies since her abusive husband had tried to drown her in their own bathtub. “Oh Mindy…you know…I would…someday but now I really need you to come down here. It’s Cadence, she is acting up again and I swear I don’t know what to do with her,” said Nina, her voice little bit away from cracking with pressure and anxiety. “Okay, coming up right now,” I replied closing my sketch-book and tucking the three pencils inside my messy bun. My mother hated when I was like this but wearing frilly frocks and sewing, or rather stringing and murdering at the piano-forte was something I would ever do in my life. Not even my mother could make me do it. Oh well, sorry everyone…before I go on with my sob-story of this useless life I think you have the right to get introduced to me. I am Miranda Cooper, Mindy for everyone who knew me. We are the owners of one of the largest vineyards in Napa-Valley which originally belonged to my father…the biological and the original one…not this sick selfish piece of conniving and manipulative bastard my naive mother has taken for a husband later on so that she could save the vineyard from being ruined and live on with her lifestyle of a southern rich socialite wife and mother of two. The only good that came with him was Cadence. The apple of my eyes. She was three when I first saw her, screaming her heads out and ripping out her blonde beautiful hair. There were nail scratch marks all over her skin and no one dared to get close to her, apart from me. We connected like two pods in a pea. Our parents thought that this was an indication from Christ that they should make these dysfunctional parts into whole family once more. Beneficial for everyone alright …God I hate holidays…always taking up my time in a way that I am not ready to devote. I mean that why is it so tough to let everyone live their lives the way we just wanted? But come on, how could anyone let that happen…what would Grandma say, and what about the ladies’ club…..at least when I was at school these things would normally remain out of my way since I had other things to worry about but now..with that chance going to go away from my hand very soon I was feeling out of control of the very short life I had spent. “Cad….where are you?” I called out walking through the middle of the beautiful paths of our vineyard. The dry soil with the slightly bent green vines winding and climbing their own way up the stick made me feel that I am looking at my mom every goddamned time I see them. Nina and I were running now. This was really frustrating, I love this kid with all my heart and soul true enough but maybe this time it was getting out of hand. The fact that she runs away and hides every single time she is distressed by any single thing makes me powerless which I hate being. After running in circles for almost twenty minutes I heard a sound of faint sniffling and stopped dead in my tracks. Nina bumped into me since she was running behind me aimlessly following me just like a b***h in heat and I looked at her with a scowl on my face. I tip-toed towards the sound which seemed to be coming right from the middle of the grove which I had built with Dad when he was alive. This had been our pastime but no one knew about this one, how did she find this out?   “Cad….???” I asked softly as I found her lying down there on the ground on a bed of dry leaves sniffling softly as she penned down something in the diary that I had given her last Christmas. “Mindy!!! I thought that no one would find me here but you always know where I am….” She replied with her nose red and cheeks stained with tear marks and jumped in my arms. I hugged her tight as she kept on sniffling while I stared at the open page of her diary. I knew it was wrong, since it was private but then again it is always the forbidden fruit which caused the downfall of man. The green leaves have started turning a typical crimson and orange with splotches of yellow in between and at the brink of falling off the branches. Autumn will come invariably as it has for as long as we know what to call it. Out by the sheds of the old abandoned retreat I watch the tree that has been our neighbor since long grow old for the year shrivel up and retreat. No one lives fully who is not prepared to die for something else in this world. No one will taste the first rain in summer or the warm relief of the afternoon sun in winter who is afraid to face the dry barrenness of autumn…   I kept looking at the words and understood that my sister had come to understand the truth of life a lot better than I had. This is the reason why I never felt fully alive because I afraid to let go and let live. I was afraid…it sounds so odd to hear, odd for my own ears but that was the stark naked truth and Cad showed me that. But the question was what had led her to write something so philosophical? How come my sister who was seven years younger to me write this, but I could never comprehend things like that!!! “Cad…you need to come home darling. You see Nina is out of her mind and sick with worry, as am I. After all it is time for tea, isn’t it? Come on, I shall tell her to give you your favourite lemon cakes. Pick up your stuff, won’t you?” I told wiping her cheeks and kissing the top of her nose. Cad looked up at me and nodded her head slightly. When we both came out of that grove and dusted off the leaves from our clothing Nina was standing there with her hands on her knees still panting. “How come you are breathing so hard but Mindy’s not?” asked Cad in her usual snarky tone. “Wellllll for starters your sister is a lot younger than I and there is another secret we both know, isn’t that right mi hija?” asked Nina and winked at me. I groaned at their insinuation. This was a secret which no one knew except my sports teacher, school team and me myself. So how come they both came to know this? But I decided to play dumb. “Exactly what are you guys trying to say? I don’t understand at all,” I replied as I walked ahead of them as both the women giggled. “Come on Mindy, we both know…so quit the act. That is the reason that she is panting like anything while you are not even breathing hard. That is good only until Mom or Dad doesn’t hear about it,” said Cad as she skipped alongside me while Nina trailed us. “If you know it then you know what is the reason that you need to keep the lid on it, and if I find out anyone has ratted me out then I know who to come after,” I said without looking at both of them. That was the last piece of mine which kept me connected to Pops…my Pops…running…I loved to run…I loved the feeling of the air blowing through my tightly bound hair and scalp wet with sweat as the drops gradually trickled down my forehead and down the skin gradually making my clothes wet and smelly. When I run it is like something completely different takes over me and the feeling I have got at that moment is what I want to feel always. That I am free and if that last piece of sunshine was taken away from me then I don’t know seriously what I was gonna do. “Just for Thanksgiving I did not know that just at this time Paul would have an accident,” said Nina as we neared our mansion. “Come on, that is dumb even for you…accidents don’t come saying that…hey here I am,” said Cad looking back at her and almost falling down losing her balance. I caught hold of her and looked at her sternly. The only thing that I had not been able to change with this child was that she never stopped putting out all those snarky comments that every one dislikes. “Why are you saying so Nina? What is that which is not done and which is you are so worried about that you are not at all sympathetic to the accident that Paul had?” I asked her as we walked up the steps of our home