Favored by Indivia

03

Chapter Three

In which she wanted to know the truth.

-

[Ross Pagette Monstine.]

I am losing my mind.

Slowly placing the cup down, I stopped looking at Ryli. While that is in question, I wasn’t even sure what I would do if I did come to the realization that she is. The second that Vivian gave me the idea that Matthias could be the reason that she was taking lessons, I reckon that I needed to be sure.

Would I stop her?

Try to talk her out of it?

Ryli and I had stopped talking three years ago. It wasn’t like an instant thing. When she noticed that I was keeping my distance, she openly accepted my decision. She had done her best to be out of my way, and I hardly ever see her. The rare times that I do would be spotting her in school or during the holidays. Even at the dorm, she hardly comes home in time.

“I am losing my mind,” I breathe, looking at the closed sketchbook I had bought. Through every ounce of anxiety that creeps into my system, I always grab this thing to soothe my nerves. Everything that made the world hard for me was placed in these complied sheets of paper. Looking through the pages, I was worried that I hardly touched anything the second that I had been aware that Ryli was taking classes. “This isn’t good. Why does this continue to affect me? Am I really such a loser that everything she touched would be off-limits for me?”

I know this is all on me. She hardly had any influence on this. My sister is in her prime. Of course, she would be curious about everything. She is at the right age to see if things would work in her favor. Her trying things out does not give me the right to feel offended by it, and there is nothing wrong with what she was doing.

While I am well aware of this, I could not stop but be affected.

Ryli is simply living her life.

She’s at the top of her class, the icon of the school, leader of the cheerleaders, and she has her life together. From the years that I had spent with her, she had openly welcomed everything that came into her life, whether it was opportunities, people, or situations I would hardly want in my life. Not once had I seen her stop pursuing what she wanted in life.

And yet, I continue to stay rooted in the past.

I listen to the thoughts that were passed on to me, living in the shadows of my successful sister. Everything was twice as hard on me when I needed to follow in her footsteps. Every error that I made would be compared to her. There was never a time that I was allowed to breathe. I thought that I could have a second to gather my own courage through my skill, but knowing how hard my sister worked to attain what she wanted—I am sure that she would surpass what I could do.

“You’re improving steadily, Ryli.”

My body flinched at the familiar voice, hearing the chime of the door halt when they fully entered the coffee shop. Matthias was with my sister, as he had been for a week now. The two of them would often grab some coffee together and attend the same classes. The atelier they attended seemed famous and a good place to learn.

“I don’t know,” she answered, voice sweet and soft. “I’m having a hard time with the colors. At this rate, all I could do is 2D art.”

For some reason, they rested on the seat behind mine. Their voices made my chest grow tight, hearing blatantly how she was improving in her craft. Maybe Matthias is only being nice, as he informed us that he was the one who had urged my sister to take classes.

Maybe he’s just a good guy.

“You have the best way to judge perspective. I am having a hard time with that.”

She’s good at perspective!?

Eyes looking back at my sketches, I had pressed it shut. Hands slowly curling at what I was hearing, I shuddered. If she was only finding hardships in color, that could be fixed in a few months—but judging her character, she would do well in weeks.

I have been studying perspective for years, and my tutors would often be mentioned how I continue to f**k it over. Now, I am hearing that Ryli is good at seeing. She’s really slowly taking over the only thing that I am confident in this world.

Can she stop doing that?

“Thank you for this, Matthias,” Ryli mumbled after a soft silence between them. There was no reply from him; only the clattering from their utensils was heard on my side. “Without you, I would never have the courage to take this. Everything is so intimidating that I did freak out at first.”

“You’re doing your best, and I’m proud of you.”

That f*****g stings.

Ryli often gets these kinds of words. Whatever she ventures in life, people support her with all of their hearts. Every time that I would see her tackle an experience that she had never touched before, someone would be quick to shower her with a compliment. All would cheer how she was brave for facing what she wanted in life. People were proud of her, and she would get a pat on the head.

There used to be a time when I was happy about having a sister. Yet when I realized how heavy we would be compared with each other, I soon came in contact with the truth. Every good thing that Ryli would do reflects badly on me.

She’s doing her best—while I am just lazy.

I am trying. Maybe they couldn’t see that I am displaying the same strength and focus—but I am also giving it my all. I might not have a number of capabilities and good aspects, but I could paint well. Yet why isn’t anyone showering me with the same words?

“Thanks, Matthias. It makes me feel at ease hearing that.”

I bet you f*****g do.

Since everyone does it for you.

“I’m giving it my all!” She announced, her voice seeming more confident than earlier. It sends shivers down my spine, feeling the fear that creeps into my body, knowing what that would do in my future. “I will definitely do well. I will paint a masterpiece. I can do it.”

“I never doubted you for a second, Ryli.”

Fucking hell.

Why is this world so cruel? She had an army of people believing her, seeing her as capable of doing whatever she had put her mind in. These people never doubted her skills, questioned her capability, or tested her will. All they offered her was support.

It must be f*****g nice.

To have that kind of life. Where everything you touched would be a piece of additional information in your resume and have people simultaneously applaud you for it. She walked into this life doing what she wanted and succeeded in it. On the other hand, I walked behind her—struggling to even keep up.

Why?

Why does she have everything, and I couldn’t even scraps?

Slowly drinking what was remaining of my drink, I chose to tone down the conversation that I was hearing. From what it looks like, the affection must have been equal. He’s openly giving her courage in a manner that any lover would offer to their own. If that’s not how a relationship works, I do not understand what they have.

I already knew this would end badly the second that I had planned it, for nothing ever goes my way. At this point, the only thing I am fooling is myself.

.

.

I wasn’t sure how long I had spent outside.

All I did was make myself look stupid and possibly catch that my sister is slowly catching in my speed when it comes to painting. My feet halted, not having the courage to walk back into the house. Slowly sitting on an available bench on the path back to the dorms, I let myself get comfortable.

“Ross?” I flinched, looking back at the source of the voice. Ryder is holding what seems like a bag of groceries, seemingly confused to catch me outside when it’s already dark. I could see a shade of worry on his face. Ryli and Ryder are twins, and while they aren’t identical, it was easy to spot them as siblings. I could see familiarities between them, which made me remember the life I am about to live now. “Are you okay?” He asked.

I nodded. “I just had a tough day, that’s all.”

“We all have that,” he answered, taking the seat next to mine. “Should we watch some movies later? I can make you some snacks.”

Ryder had stopped asking everyone what was wrong when people continued shutting him out. While I know that he only wanted the best for everyone, he knew the reason why we couldn’t confide in him. He is torn between two people—and while I know that he treats me as his own sister, I know the bond between twins is different.

“We should,” I muttered, slowly giving him a soft smile. “I needed to distract myself.”

He looked worried, yet he simply patted my head softly. “I’m sorry that this is the only way that I could help. However, I wanted you to know that it is always better to process things emotionally. You know that I am always here.”

“I know that.” I agreed.

He’s the best brother that I could ever have.

I wasn’t sure why he was apologizing when I was the one who is not enabling him to help me. Ryder could help if I had let him in, but I continued to put blocks of wall between us. Everything seemed complicated when it’s a family matter, one that I am sure he’ll be included if he had heard my worries.

Ryli and I had one similarity when it came to our situation. None of us wanted any of our family members tied up to what we had with each other. Our parents don’t see us in a feud or a situation where they need to intervene. Then again, everything between us had only been carried by me.

I doubt that Ryli even cared.

“Is Ryli home?” I found myself asking, eyes drifting to the view.

Ryder paused, and I am sure he was surprised by the question. It took him a couple of minutes before answering, voice wavering. “No,” he mumbled. “She called me earlier, saying that she’s spending the night with some friends. I’ll probably fetch her when it’s too late for her to be home.”

This was normal, enough that none of us saw any sign of concern.

“We should head back home,” I mumbled, slowly standing from the seat. “If we wanted to finish one movie, I think we need to head home now.”

“Of course,” Ryder answered, hands slowly patting my head.

He’s a twin, so I know that if he doesn’t see anything wrong with what Ryli was doing—I know that she is safe. Even if Ryder and I do not vocalize our concern about her late hours, we are both aware of just how worried we were about how she was tending her time. It was rough as it was when we were attending the same houses, probably because our parents would be there to intervene.

Ryder has his own authority, but I could see that he was giving us space to breathe as he is aware of what is going on between us. Even when he heads home during holidays, he never mentioned how Ryli spends late hours outside the dorm time. He protects us in ways we never knew that he would.

As much as I hated the comparison between us, I did not want anything bad to happen to Ryli.

She’s still my sister at the end of the day.