Chapter 7- Cursed and Confused
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My eyes were heavy with sleep. It was past 3:00 a.m. in the morning and I was impatiently waiting for Shehzad to come home. If he isn't back then something was definitely going on—maybe the soiree must've ended pretty late or maybe after the soiree he must have gone to work to handle some business negotiation.
But I had some other assumption at the back of my mind. I tried not to think about it, but judging by the time and Suzan's unusual behavior—I didn't want to believe it, but Shehzad could be with that certain someone—his date and doing something else at the moment .
"Gah," I breathed.
My chest had tightened. Even the mere thought of it was making me nauseous. I heard the elevator' click—he was home.
My heart began to pound. I suddenly remembered the incident that had occurred in the evening as my fingertips lightly traced the length of the scratch parallel on my cheekbone—which I was desperately trying to avoid. I walked to the door with slow steps.
"Asalam Alaikum." I greeted him in a monotone manner—my voice was low, opening the door.
He looked at me in a very candid way—his face expressionless. I tried to take his brief case, but he jerked my hand away—it was his usual behavior, but he didn't look like he was in a bad mood.
His face was lightly flushed and his hair was more tangled and disheveled then before. His green blue eyes gave a look of satisfaction and so did his features.
It increased my tension even more. He's so content for some reason.
"How was your evening?" I tried to ask politely. But my anger and worry was slowly beginning to surface.
"It was good." He said.
It made me glad that he answered my question, but I was more disturbed about something else.
"Why did it take you so long and who did you take with you?" I inquired, helping him take his coat off. He was silent.
"I'm going to bed." He informed.
"You haven't answered my question yet." I reminded him again—he sighed in dismay and fell on the couch. Running his fingers through his hair, he glared at me, his turquoise eyes gleaming with frustration now.
"And why should I tell you that? Give me one reason 'cause I don't feel the need to answer an annoying question coming from a damn annoying woman!" he declared— in exasperation.
It caused me to snap.
"Listen, why can't you ever answer to me a bit nicely? I've been waiting for you all night long and all I get from you is that acerbic expression. I have every right to ask you about your whereabouts. And the way you phrased that question of yours only makes you more suspicious. You're always such an airhead. And after the way you acted last night, then I have every right for a query. Now answer my damn question." I tried to keep myself together but his previous comment made me react with anger beyond control. He doesn't treat me like a person at all.
His glare intensified. And his expression grew bleak. "Shut up." He shouted, jumping to his feet. But I wasn't going to be intimidated by him.
"I don't care. Just tell me who you were with? Why do you always feel the need to pick a fight with me? What did I ever do to you, huh? Tell me?" I also spoke in the same high pitched volume as him. But I only made him angrier. He rushed to me and grabbed me tightly by the hair from the back of my head.
"It hurts." I cried, wincing in pain. But he only pulled it more. His blue green eyes had turned dark and he looked at me with such a threatening demeanor. His scary part had emerged.
"You wanna know where I was? I'll tell you where I was. I was busy f*****g someone and there is nothing you can do about. Now, quit pissing me off." He replied and threw me forcefully on the floor.
"Get your things packed. I'm sending you back to your country. I've had enough of you. You're nothing but a shitty nuisance. You are useless and not needed, do you hear me. There is no benefit in keeping you here, so it's best that you go back to where you belong." He shouted—his words were merciless.
Nothing would give me more pleasure then to return to my homeland—but I wasn't done yet either.
"Why do you think that when you're the one who wouldn't open up to me?" I shrieked.
"But you're right; I can't do anything about you being with another woman. It's my sin for not giving myself to you. But you listen to me now. I will not leave unless you divorce me? What the hell do you take me for? I'm also a human being. I have feelings too. What do think that if you send me away from yourself then it will not affect me? It most definitely will. I will not live my life chained to someone who wouldn't give me my right to live in liberty and acceptance." I proposed, the words were flowing freely from my mouth.
He was quiet—he chagrinned. I smiled wryly. Tears were beginning to prick my eyes.
"What's the matter? Go on, divorce me. Right here, right now." I yelled. "I've had enough of you too. You're a hopeless person. I always knew that someone like you would be unbearable to live with, but I kept deluding myself into thinking that I could change your life. I made it my purpose to bring you back to the right path. But you don't even care about me. You're an egotistic chauvinist. You're not the kind of man that any woman would ever want to live with." I claimed, my voice resonant and loud.
I didn't care if what I was saying was rude or insensitive—all I knew was that it was my right analysis.
I felt so hurt. I couldn't control the tears that were welling up in my eyes. His words didn't hurt me but he did make me realize my useless worth and insignificant value as a woman. I realized such a cruel reality about myself.
"If you really think that I'm useless. Then that means that I really am at fault here. Maybe this is my punishment for being so WORTHLESS!"
"It means that it was my fault that my parents died. But what crime did I commit that I have to suffer in this misery so much. I hate myself. I wish I was never born. I'm cursed and I'm wretched. I always make the people around me get effected by my nuisance being. I wish that I could kill myself." I cried, a lump was beginning to block my throat. I held my head in my hands in despair.
My mind was slowly descending into hysteria.
I gripped my open hair, pulling on them and panting. My tears uncontrollable.
"Maybe I was such a useless orphan that my relatives threw me away without a second thought. And now I have proved to be such a useless wife that even my husband hates me. I hate myself. I don't have anyone of my own and I don't have anywhere else to go back to. I tried so hard to make you my new family, but you really hate me don't you." I sobbed—more to myself.
I looked at him with teary eyes. I saw that he was staring at me with disbelief clearly written all over his face.
"Wait.....you're.....an orphan....?!" He asked skeptically and uncertainly. I didn't understand him at all.
I tried to give him a smile.
"Maybe it would be best if you divorce me. I don't want my cursed existence influencing you as well." I tried to get to my feet and didn't face him.
"You don't need to worry about your post. I'll request the Chairman to let you continue as the President after you divorce me. I'm really sorry if you had to put up with me for so long. Thank you for taking care of me." I turned and walked towards the main door.
"Wait, where are you going?" he inquired—his voice sounded like he was worried.
"I don't know. I don't have anywhere to go. I just need to go." I replied in a murmur.
"Besides.....you shouldn't worry. Even if I meet my death tonight, then it would make no difference to you, right?" I taunted and laughed without humor. He grabbed my arm.
"Wait....." he said. But I jerked his hand away.
"It would probably be for the best if I die tonight." I mumbled.
I had an adrenaline rush and my legs began to run.
My whole life's story flashed before my eyes. I had never been in so much despair as I was right now. I ran faster. I didn't know where I was going. I just needed to run. I wanted to run away, I didn't know where or in which direction. I just wanted to run—from this place, from this country and from this world. I wanted so badly to change my destiny because I was a strong believer in making my destiny by my own hands. But fate was always in my way.
I had accepted the life that ALLAH had chosen for me and I had no objections with the Lord's decisions for me. But now, I have realized my worth. Life has once again thrown me face down on the earth—just when I was beginning to adjust into it normally. But I was dejected mercilessly.
Was it wrong of me to feel some sort of happiness? Was my crime really that great that I couldn't be granted the right to live peacefully? Or was I arrogant about something?
I couldn't comprehend what I could've done to make ALLAH displeased so much with me. I could not comprehend the sin I had committed that caused so much damage.
They say that some beings wrought destruction, pain and misery where ever they go to. I could have never imagined that I would be one of those beings. Maybe my sin was that I should never have been born. There was no tune or symphony that could express my sorrow.
But now, I was ready to face my fated punishment and suffer the consequences alone. I'm prepared to receive a just judgment.
I'm ready for death to take me.
I seek my salvation.
"Oh ALLAH......please forgive me." I prayed, although I know that I have lost that right. But HE is the most beneficent and the most merciful Rabb of all the worlds.
Everything went from black to white—the shade of solitude and salvation.
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