Chapter 1- A Fresh Start
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The warm breezes of the Arabian Sea greeted me when I stepped out of the plane. As soon as my feet touched the Pak ground, I fell to my knees and touched it after such a long time.
It has been six months since I left and I'm back again. After thirteen hours of flight, I was back at twilight without feeling any vestige of tiredness.
"I'm back." I whispered to myself as I inhaled the Pak air and headed for the check post. It felt great to be back, but I was still tensed.
So much has happened to me in the last couple of months that now just thinking about it makes my head spin.
With all the drama between me and Shehzad, I cannot believe that it came to end like this. When I told him that I decided to come back to Pakistan, he didn't stop me even once. He didn't even bother to drop me off at the airport—maybe he just didn't have it in him to face me anymore. He has hurt me way too much. I don't know if I will ever come to hate him for doing all that he has done.
He underestimated me—he thought that I would forgive him, but not this time. A woman is always taken for granted because people think that she is so starved for affection that she can be used for anything and then they expect that they can be easily understood and forgiven. But this time, I had my own internal struggles that led me to be harsh and unforgiving towards him.
But I'm sure that I will be able to forget about him—after all, we had nothing special between us. For whatever it's worth, I will not let it get to me. I will stay strong and act normal.
As I collected my luggage from the baggage terminal, I headed for the exit. My face contorted into an exciting smile when I saw two familiar faces. "Shumaila! Hina!" I called and waved my arm in the air. They saw me and waved their arms in the affirmative.
"Oh my God!" Shumaila squealed and locked me in a tight embrace as soon as I approached her. "I can't believe that you are back. We missed you so much." Hina chirped and hugged me after Shumaila. I smiled at them and embraced them tightly.
"It's good to be back." I mumbled in a strained tone, a tear almost fell from my eye but I contained it. I felt so overwhelmed.
"What happened? You look so tired and weary, Khadijah." Shumaila assessed, examining my face with her fingers withholding my chin. I smiled a tight smiled and urged her to take me to the nearest cash exchange. After changing the three hundred dollars I had left.
They led me to their car after we were done and we were soon on our way to the city from Jinnah international Airport. I cannot believe that so much has changed since I left. I think that it's been six months since I was gone. I rolled down the window on my side and breathed in the Karachi air which was cool and moist. It seldom winters in Karachi. But at least the weather is mild—neither too hot or too cold, just an intermediate.
The big bill boards were the same especially the one near the air port with the same advertisement on it since I left. As we entered Shahra-e-Faisal, I noticed that it had gotten even better. All the buildings were tightened and the fountains were running. As we made our turn into the Karachi Defense area, I stumbled upon my old neighborhood of DHA phase I and II.
"Hey, mind stopping by the Defense Market, I need to pick up a few things." I asked. They nodded and had the driver stop at the market. It was a good thing that I had a few dollars that I exchanged into Rupees at the airport. I'm sure that there won't be anything to eat. As we parked the car, I laughed at myself when I saw that Bata was on sale again.
"Is the winter stock on sale again?" I asked sarcastically. Shumaila giggled. "Yeah, looks like the sale just started."
"Hey, that reminds me, when we had sent you back to Punjab, Bata was on spring sale, wasn't it?" Hina pointed. We all burst into quiet laughter as we made our way into a Super mart.
"Hey, you don't need to worry about anything Khadijah, we will take care of everything." Hina proclaimed when she saw me put a few necessary items in the cart. I ignored her gestured and continued. "No, it's fine. Besides, I'm here to stay now." I mumbled and placed eggs and bread in the cart.
"Khadijah, you didn't quite tell us the real reason why you came back." Hina mused when we reached the counter. "Well, there isn't much to tell." I grumbled and took out my wallet. I cannot believe that the simple groceries here are so cheap. Within a thousand rupees, I bought so many things—that's equivalent to about $ 9.99.
"I'm so glad it hasn't gotten worst. America was so expensive. I couldn't afford even a milk carton without the expenditure of five dollars." I joked to divert their attention. Shumaila arched skeptical brow at me.
"Something happened, didn't it?" she asked seriously. I pouted with a shrug. "It's nothing serious. It just didn't work out between us." I said nonchalantly, though it hurt me so much to say it. My face was gonna fall any second to reveal my true feelings but I just needed to hold on till I was alone at my home—then I can cry all I want with no one around to ask me painful questions or to judge me.
"Well, I'll take your word for it now, but tomorrow, when you are well rested, you will tell us everything okay." Hina complied. I nodded in affirmation.
When we reached my house in Phase VI, I broke into tears as all the memories flowed across my eyes. I remember what had happened here seven months ago and the nightmare that I had had a month ago—but also it reminded me it me of Shehzad's kindness and I don't want to remember that; it's aches my heart and I would start crying.
"Welcome home, Khadijah." Shumaila said. I held back my emotions and pursed my lips into a tight line. I carefully got out from the car and went inside. The housekeeper and the security guard were at the entrance.
"Asalam Alaikum Khadijah Bibi," my housekeeper greeter. I gave her a bear hug and sighed. I gave her my parka and the grocery bags.
"You should get some rest Khadijah; we will come again tomorrow, okay." Hina told. She hugged me again and then left with Shumaila.
"Bibi, shall I get lunch started?" the housekeeper, Ama Kaneez asked. I shook my head. My eyes scrutinized the whole lobby of my house. I can't believe that it's been so long that I have back here again.
"I wish that Shehzad could also be with me." I murmured subconsciously but then I remembered that I couldn't allow myself to think about that jerk. I shook my head and composed myself. I guess that I was tired that's why my thoughts were so messed up. I rushed to my bedroom. As I switched on the lights, everything was as I had left it. Ama Kaneez did a good job in keeping the place intact. I locked the door behind me. My entire luggage was already present. I unlocked my duffle bag and took out a soft linen night suit.
I went to the bathroom and took off my Hijab. Untying my bun, my dark hair rolled down to my shoulder. I gazed at my reflection in the mirror and I could barely recognize myself, no wonder Shumaila was so shocked—I had big dark bags under my eyes and my skin and lips were dry and pale. My cheek bones were visible and my jaw was strikingly prominent. And I couldn't see any life or light in my eyes. It's the same as when I glanced at myself on the morning of my family's funeral.
I sighed and turned on the warm water taps in the shower tray. I hoped in the soothing cascades of water. It untied some of the knots in my back and the knots in the pit of my stomach. After I was relaxed, I dried my hair and dressed in my attire for the night.
I collapsed in my bed and buried my head in my pillow. Now that no one was around, I can cry freely. The tears gushed uncontrollably. My eyes flowed till it began to ache my optic nerves and dried my tear ducts—the pain that came with it was excruciating. Everything that happened in the past ten days, flashed before my eyes. It was such a long emotional experience, I went through a series of so many emotions and sensations that I had never went through before concerning Shehzad. I have finally seen his real face and what a coward I am—I vowed love for him but when the moment of truth came, I ran away from him who is a cheat, an unfaithful man, a murderer and an indifferent man.
When he shot that man in front of me, I was so afraid. It was outside the acumen of my understanding. How can he be like that? How can he betray my trust? After all that I did for him, he ended up violating everything that I believed in.
And not to mention Joshua Blacksmith; I could have never thought in a million years that he would catch me in such a distraught condition. He was kind to me at fist but why is it that Satan has such a strong hold on the wits and hearts of men? He treated me kindly like he was a different person, someone that I never thought he could be—he was manipulative and blackmailing cad, yet the face I saw those two days, they were completely different. And how can I forget; he was JTB all along. The world really is small for coincidences. But how I am so confused, who is the real him? The same man I met at central park or the ruthless Student council President or the man who treated me back to health and helped me but then attacked me afterwards?
Khiar, that isn't my concern anymore because I will never see him again.
But what my concerns is the one that hurts me so much just by thinking about it because all of it was a lie—everything that happened between us was a lie—his smile, his caring nature, his warm embraces and his soft kisses and his affectionate kindness, they were false and deceit. It's a good thing that I ran away otherwise the way he had treated me when I got back—the way he spoke and the way he acted almost made me believe and forgive him, but my decision was final, I could never be with a man who didn't possess even a vestige of Islamic morals and ideals. I can never be with such a man because that would corrupt the generations that will follow after me and it would destroy my Akhirat.
Maybe I could have condoned his treachery, his unfaithfulness and his deception and duplicity but when he said that he didn't believe in God, then everything ended for 'US'.
To me, my Allah matters more than a man who doesn't believe in Him—I think that it was a testing time and I have passed it. I just hope that this pain would also decrease. All I have to do is wait now.
I never want to go through all those pretenses ever again. I never want to see his face. In want to erase every trace of memory related to him and I just want to keep moving forward. I must learn to hate him; that is the only way I can forget him.
Ya Allah, please erase the being of Shehzad Atish from my mind and from my life. This shall be the last time I will shed tears for that man. I will never again trust a man or marry again.
I cried all night till I drifted into sleep.
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so, here you have it :D
this is the beginning of a new phase of TDSOW :D
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