The beginning of the End

1073 Words
She watched out from her window in the darkness of her room, there were no lights on in the buildings near her house. Lights had gone out and she was told it would take some time for the lights to come back. "Just like how my old self is going to take a long time coming back," she thought. She lit a candle and touched the hot wax from it. She felt a little pain on the fingers that touched the hot wax. She smiled. She was glad she could feel the pain. “At least I can feel the pain. Even if I cannot feel positive emotions.” She whispered to herself. She lied down on her bed. Staring at the darkness, though there was some light from the candle. And from the laptop that was charging her phone right now. She stared at the ceiling, or rather the darkness because she could not see the ceiling. This environment was somehow providing her with some comfort and an approved signal to her thoughts of wanting to die. It had been a few days that she seriously started thinking about ending it. It was an extremely hard decision because she had never been the type to decide anything instantly. Well, this topic was a serious issue. And it was not something she could decide in a day. There were factors she had to consider. Her father and her friends (whoever was left in that circle) – she had to think about them. Then it clicked. It did not have to be a suicide. The outcome will be the same but the method could be different. Dying of a disease or dying in an accident. "Going that way will make it easier for them," she thought. Some part of her still thought that ending everything was not the solution. But she did not agree with how some people say the suffering will not stop because it passes on to the people left behind. For the person who decides to suicide, the pain ends. The suffering that passes on is a different pain – the pain of not being able to see the person who suicides. And that is selfish. It is something similar to crying over spilled milk. She closes her eyes and tries to gather her thoughts. It was all messed up. She opens her eyes, stares into the darkness, and agreeing to the approved signal of her thoughts of wanting to die. "It has to be an accident," She whispered to herself. She had thought how she would die – by an accident. Now she needed to lay out a plan to execute it. She closed her eyes, still laying on her bed. Before laying out the plan and executing it, she wondered how her suicide letter might look like. Not that she was planning to leave a letter because that will lead to her death being a suicide. But she wondered about it. She contemplated whether she should try writing and see how it would look like. She stayed still for a while. Letting her thoughts wander. She opened her eyes and sat on the bed. She was debating whether she should go get a pen and a book. She looked at her laptop and then shook her head. "I want to do it in an old fashion way", she thought. She got up but remembered that the lights were still gone. She did not want to take the candle and search for a book and a pen. It was too much of a hassle. She could not use her phone for the flashlight as her battery was dead. “I will try writing it when the lights come back”, she thought. She laid back on her back. Some part of her wished the lights never come back so that she would not have to try writing a suicide letter. Some part of her also wished that she could get better and be happy with her life. She sometimes dreamed of overcoming this difficult part of her life, graduating, finding a job and settling down, and die from old age. This plan did not seem too bad but she would never agree to that. “I have to think of a way to die ‘accidentally’ just like I planned to”, she thought. She was still going to try to write a suicide letter though. She turned around and tossed a pillow to the floor. The lights came back, but she was too tired to move and get up to grab a paper to write it. She continued laying on the bed and tried to doze off. After attempting to doze off for 30 minutes, she realized she could not because she did not eat her sleeping pills. “I could just eat a bunch of this and die, but then it will be seen as a suicide and I cannot afford that”, she thought. She sighed and turned towards the bedside table to grab her medicine when she saw a thing that would help her execute her wish to die. It was her car key. “Dying in a car accident huh”, she whispered to herself. “I can speed drive into a wall or fall from a cliff. I will surely die right? ”, she thought. She needed to plan it carefully. She cannot leave any hint behind that it was planned. Her life was meaningless anyway. Her chronic feelings of emptiness got in her way of enjoying life. Nothing was fun anymore. It was like she was on autopilot mode. Go to class. Get back home. Do assignments. Study. She did all these out of her sense of responsibility towards her father for paying her fees, providing her with food, shelter, and clothes. Her sleeping pills were kicking in, her eyelids were slowly closing off. After checking her phone was in charge and checking her alarm for tomorrow morning, she got into the blankets. As she was dozing off, she thought if she has any work and assignments for tomorrow. But these days, even assignments and studying seemed worthless. Since she did not plan to even stay alive, what is the use of studying and completing her undergraduate degree? Right? However, for now, she would continue doing it – continue her meaningless life for just a little more.
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