Save Me Alpha

Pain. Darkness. Emptiness. That's all I've ever felt for as long as I can remember. Nothing else but this.      Even before my parents died, I felt like this. I always knew there was something wrong with me, teachers would say it to me, doctors would say it and so-called friends. That's why I don't really have friends. No way for people to hurt you.     My name's Rosalie but people call me Ros. I'm 26 years old, yes i feel OLD. No I'm not married, no I don't have any kids and nope not even a serious relationship. I've not even really had one. I'm a sad b***h i know!    Each guy that I think I'm going to finally fall in love with, I feel absolutely nothing for. The novelty wares off after a while and I get bored. I don't know why I'm like this, it's the same when making friends. No patience for it.     Now here I am again, trying to save a dying relationship with a guy that bores the s**t out of me and yet I can't let him go, the desperation to not be alone is eating me up inside.      "Jack, please don't go! I need you and... and we can get through this! We always do!" I always ended up begging for them to stay, the shred of hope that last minute I'll have an overwhelming feeling of loss if they actually left.     "Im done Ros, I'm f*****g done with all this s**t! I know I said I could deal with your s**t but I f*****g can't! You say you want a child with me but you can barely look after yourself let alone a goddamn child!" His brown eyes pierced through me, the bags under his eyes from having to deal with my constant wriggling in the night and waking up at odd hours.      One thing I always liked about Jack was his direct attitude about stuff, some call him an asshole but I like the guys who are assholes, at least you know what you're getting.  "I can work on it babe, it's been ages since my last episode ok? I'm getting better!" I shot him a fake smile to hide the pain coursing through my chest.     His pretty boy face just looked tired, his dirty blonde hair a mess from where he had slept. He walked towards me and cupped my face, I kept my eyes on him hoping to anticipate what he was going to say but there was nothing. He pressed a kiss to my forehead before putting his mouth near my ear.     "You will never get better Ros, I'm sorry to say it but someone had to. There will always be episodes and I'm done picking you up when you try to off yourself. You're a lost f*****g cause sweetheart." He pulled back and continued packing the last of his clothes from the wardrobe.      Did he actually just say that to me? Cheeky bastard! Was that supposed to help me?     "You're such an asshole!" Rage engulfs me and I pick up the lamp nearest me and throw it straight at his head.     I feel overcome with emotions, this always happens! ALWAYS!     Jack brushes off the broken bits of the lamp and looks at me, face filled with rage. He picks his bag up and starts walking towards the front door.  "Ros you need help, you keep dating guys and then blame them for you breaking up! When it's you that's the f*****g problem! We've tried it all, the pills, the therapy and none of it seems to help! I'm sorry!"      I stand infront of the door desperately racking my brain of what to say. "I'll do anything Jack, please!" I didn't realise I had dropped to my knees. I must look so desperate right now. He brushes my hair with his hand, a sympathetic smile on his face and pity in his eyes. "I'll stay if you tell me you love me Ros, if you really say it like you mean it."     I could feel my heart beating erratically in my chest, sweat and anxiety coursing across my body. I had never told anyone I had loved them, except my parents, I had never even thought about loving someone. I'm incapable of it.      I stood up opening my mouth to speak but no words came out, I could feel the tears falling from my eyes, the ache in my chest getting worse from the desperation. I searched Jack's eyes for anything, I couldn't tell him why I couldn't say it. Most of our arguments were because I couldn't express my feelings for him, even though there were very little to begin with. The lust and want for him wore off like it did with the others too. I stood to one side opening the door trying to keep myself together, Jack took a step in the doorway and stopped looking at me but I couldn't bring myself to look at him.  "Please just don't do anything stupid Ros."  With that he left, I shut the door and could feel my anger seeping through my veins.  I started shaking in despair and frustration. I knew I could never give him what he wanted, I'm broken and I cannot be fixed.  There's only one thing to do with broken things that can't be fixed, you throw them away...